“No,” he replies immediately. “You can ask me whatever you want. In fact, it’s kind of nice to talk about it with someone. I couldn’t really talk to my friends at my last school about stuff like this.”
“Well, in that case, how’s your mom doing? I barely saw her on Sunday.”
“She seems…better. Not perfect, but getting there. I’m still a little worried about her, but I think her D&D game is helping. It gives her something to look forward to every week.”
“And you’re…”
“I’m okay.” He turns so he’s facing me instead of the auditorium seating. “Really. After you and I talked, I sat down with Mom again. We’d never really delved into everything, and she tried to explain why she felt like she needed to leave. I could tell she left some stuff out for my sake, but I got the basic idea. I hadn’t known how controlling my dad was.” He clenches his hands in his lap so hard that the tendons are visible on his forearms. “I’m glad she did it. And I’m glad I came here with her.”
I nod, not sure what to say. I can’t quite believe he’s being so honest with me.
“You’re a really good son for moving senior year to be with your mom,” I say quietly after a moment. “I’m sure it means a lot to her. I don’t think everyone would do that,even if it gave them a chance to join the best high school marching band in Ohio.”
That makes him laugh, which was the goal.
“You’ve caught me—thatwasmy main motivation.” He messes with his fingernails. “How are things with you and your mom? Didn’t you say there was some tension?”
I snort. “Yeah, always.”
“Is that what led you to go into color guard? You’re amazing at it, by the way. I never told you. But I figured I’d come back to find you as first chair trumpet.”
“My parents would havelovedthat. I think the first time I broke their hearts was when I decided to play flute instead of a brass instrument in fifth grade. Every year they hoped I’d change my mind. And when I decided to try color guard freshman year, I thought they’d both keel over in shock. I still play flute in symphonic band, and I enjoy it, but…I guess I just wanted to do my own thing. I thought maybe there would be less pressure if I did something different.” I shake my head. “Joke’s on me. They’re set on me winning the senior MVM award like Mom did.”
“Butyoustill want it too, right? So it doesn’t matter what your parents want as long as it’s something you care about.”
“Right. Plus, I can’t letyouwin it.” I smile a little too brightly.
I can’t admit to him that I’m not sure anymore if I want it or even deserve it. It’s an odd realization. Growing up, I wanted to win everything all the time, no matter what. I put so much pressure on myself to be the best. The bestdancer, the best performer, the best daughter. And I told myself it was worth the work because the payoff was so big. But now…I don’t know. Life didn’t change after I won the award freshman year. It’s not like I could suddenly relax and be carefree for the rest of high school. And is it even fair to vie for the award again when I’ve already won it once? Mom would adamantly say yes since she did exactly that, but more and more I’m having a hard time caring. Mostly, I just want the guard to be happy. Well, I want thatandto win our bet against the percussion. But I don’t think we’ll win unless I can find a way to help the guard members enjoy our practices.
“I can’t deny it’d be pretty cool to come into this band as the new kid and then steal the title away from the rest ofyou.”
“Oh my god, you never stop. You’ll have a great shot at it, though. It’s obvious that a lot of the percussion section already loves you. They’ll rally around you.” I shake my head. “I don’t know how you did that, though. I’m—” I cut myself off when I realize I’m about to say too much.
“What?”
“Nothing.” I mimic locking my lips. “Insider secrets.”
“Color guard secrets, you mean? You can tell me. I’m not Brody, you know. That’s kind of the whole point.”
“But Brody will still be part of percussion. And it’s not even about Brody, it’s just…we’re competitors, Max. Our sections don’t get along, and it feels wrong to tell the section leader anything that could give you leverage over us.”
He leans back on his elbows with a furrowed brow andstares out into the auditorium. “I can’t promise that everything is going to change with me as section leader. We’re still going to fight to win our bet. The others are going to revolt against me if they’re forced to perform your guard choreography in front of everybody. We’ll still want more Superior ratings than you, and more compliments from Sire.”
I lean back as well, mimicking his position. Nothing he’s saying surprises me, but it’s still disheartening. “I know.”
“But that doesn’t mean I’m going to sabotage the guard.” He shifts. The side of his pinky finger barely touches mine, and I can’t tell if he meant to do that or not. “I want to win, but that’s only going to happen by me bringing the percussion together and getting us to perform at our best. Whatever’s going on with the guard doesn’t change that.”
I glance over at him, trying to read his expression and whether or not he could be lying to me. It’s still hard for me to trust him completely, but maybe I can look at this as a test. If he uses this info against me in the future, then I’ll have my answer.
“It’s just, I’m struggling. I want everyone to love the guard the way I do and to be excited to perform and for us to feel like…I don’t know, a family? That’s really cheesy, sorry—”
“It’s not cheesy,” he says, his expression kind. “I get it.”
I take a relieved breath. “And I can’t figure out how to make that happen. Sometimes I even wonder if they hate me a little bit.” I whisper the last sentence. I’m being way tooforthcoming.
“It’s impossible to hate you, Hazel. Believe me, I’ve tried.”
I turn back to him and his smile is warm. And maybe a little mischievous.
