“That is one of my favorite activities.” I rub my hands down my pants. “I’ll try to make it. I might be seeing Will since that’s our last full day in England...”
“Right, sorry. I should have guessed that.” Dev squeezes his backpack strap tighter. “About Will—”
“Let’s not talk about it.” We’ve stopped in one of the empty gilded classrooms. I take a step back toward the door.
“No, listen.” He puts out a hand to stop me. “I’ve been thinking about this and I need to get it out. First, I’m really sorry for blowing up on you like that. That wasn’t fair to you. I just...” He shakes his head. “Anyway, I’m sorry, and I want you to know I’m done fighting with you. I hate it.”
“I hate it too.”
“This last week has been absolute misery. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss you. How much I don’t want to lose you.” He closes the space between us. “Without you, I... I don’t even know what to say. You’re...” He trails off, his voice hoarse.
Wait. My breathing goes shallow. Is he... is he about to say he loves me? Could that be possible? His whole body is radiating energy and heat and suddenly I know that’s what he’s thinking.He loves me.I can see the next seconds playing out—how he’s going to pull me toward him and the way my heart’s going to leap at the proximity. The fear on his face when he says it for the first time. And what I’ll say in return. Everything sharpens with suddenclarity. Iwanthim to tell me. I want him to kiss me.
I want him.
“I’m what?” I whisper, barely able to get the words out.
“You’re my best friend, Ellie.”
I freeze. I’m floating and sinking at the same time. Yes, that’s true. We’re best friends. No one gets me the way Dev does. But...
“Your best friend?”
“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” Dev continues, clearly oblivious to my inner turmoil. “I still love Huan like a brother. He’s been there for me through so much. And I know you have Sage—and Will, obviously—so you probably aren’t looking for a best friend. But when we weren’t talking... it made me realize how much I love hanging out with you.” He shoves his hands in his pockets.
“I... yeah, me too.”
“And I want you to know that I’m going to be cool about Will from now on. No moreWilloughbyor any of that. I know I had my opinions before, but if Will is willing to move to America to be with you, then clearly he really likes you. I’m sure you’ll figure everything else out with him.”
He gives me a small, hopeful smile and my heart disintegrates into ooze and starts to drip onto my liver. He’s not going to say he loves me—because he doesn’t love me. He wants to make sure we’re still friends. Omigod, I did it again. It’s like I’m back at Andy’s party, waiting for him to say something that he’s never going to say. How could I be sostupid? How could I let myself do this all over again? I want to slap myself. I’ve learned nothing. I’mno better now than I was all those months ago.
“You’ll forgive me?” he asks. He’s frowning now. I’m apparently not reacting the way he thought I would.
“Yes,” I say quickly. “Yes, of course. Completely forgiven.”
The worry slides off his face and he smiles. “Thank god. You had me worried for a second.” He wanders out of the classroom and I follow him back toward the main corridor. He rubs his hands together. “Okay, so I had another thought. Do you remember how you asked me to tutor you in cricket so you could impress Will?”
How could I forget? The irony of that now. I force myself to nod.
“Well, I was thinking it was time for you to return the favor. Things didn’t work out with Sage, which is fine. I’m happy to be better friends with her now, but I still need a girlfriend.” He raises an eyebrow. “I’m determined to have a date for prom this year. A real date, not a pity date like last year.”
I can see where this is going and my whole body revolts at the idea. I want to slap my hand over his mouth before the words come out.Pleasedon’t ask me.
“So, what do you say? Can I enlist you to help me when we get back to Waterford? I’m useless on my own, as you love to point out.”
Find a date for Dev?No!I can’t do that. But the alternative is to blurt out what I’m feeling and I can’t do that either. He’s just made it abundantly clear that we’re friends and he wants to date other girls. I’m not strong enough to throw myself at him and watchhis expression change from shock into pity. It was painful enough with Andy. Having that happen with Dev would crack my heart in half. I wouldn’t survive it.
I plaster a smile on my face. “Yeah, okay. Sure. I’ll start looking when we get back.” An idea pops into my head that makes me genuinely laugh. “Maybe I can set you up with Crystal.”
Dev’s laughter fills the empty room. “Oh god, can you imagine? We could go on double dates together.”
It feels so good to laugh with him, but also like my whole body is fraying into a million strands. Someday that’s going to happen. He’ll start dating someone and I’ll have to go on a double date with them. Me, Dev, some girl, and... Will?Will. My stomach sinks. Oh god. I can’t keep dating Will when I’m feeling this way about someone else. I push my hands into my forehead and then through my hair. What am I going to say to him? He’s going to hate me.
“So I’ll see you at dinner soon?” Dev’s tone is still mercifully light. “You can’t avoid me anymore.”
“No dinner for me. I haven’t started our art history paper yet so I’m barricading myself in the conservatory until I have something decent to turn in.”
“Do you want some company?” he asks.
