“Brad, I just came by to say congratulations on the pregnancy. Well done, my friend. We all know I couldn’t have done it better myself.”
“Matt—” He tried to stop me.
“I’m kidding, Brad. I’m happy for you guys. I swear.”
“Yeah?” He quirked an eyebrow.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“How ’bout a drink after work. Just the two of us?”
Well, I’m sure you fucked my wife on every available surface of the apartment I used to own, and now she’s pregnant with your child, so...
I clapped my hands together. “What the hell. Why not?”
We went to a hoity-toity cocktail lounge on the Upper West Side near my old apartment, which he and Elizabeth now shared. I fucking hated that bar, but it was familiar territory for both of us.
My scotch was served in a martini glass with an ice cube. There were so many things wrong with the drink but I downed it anyway. “Are cigars in order yet?”
“No, that’s after the baby’s born. You’re not really into kids, are you?”
“No, I hate them. I just want an excuse to smoke a nice Cuban,” I lied, for fun. What else is there in life?
“Well, the time will come. By the way, your sister in-law called. She’s sending us the antique bassinet.”
“What?”
“Yeah, she thought it should go to us. She thinks of Elizabeth as a sister.”
The bassinet was a family heirloom; it was meant to be kept within the family. “Monica is not the damned keeper of the bassinet.”
Brad picked up on my hostility and tried to change the subject. “Are you dating anyone these days?”
“No, just fucking,” I lied again, for amusement. “Finally got rid of that old ball and chain, you know?” I was finding it hard to stick to my goal of being the bigger man here.
“That’s great for you,” Brad said, uncomfortably.
“Another scotch please!” I called out.
“You know, sometimes Lizzy gets pissed at me for the smallest things. Like the toilet seat—she’s mad if I leave it up, but she’s mad if I leave it down.” He looked at me and shook his head. “She says my aim isn’t good enough.”
I actually felt sorry for him. “Listen, you’re gonna have to learn to piss sitting down. It’s part of being married. It’s actually kind of relaxing, like a little break.”
“Really?”
“Totally.”
My second scotch came. I drank it faster than the first.
“You know, I forgot to tell you that Lizzy found another box of your pictures and some rolls of undeveloped film. She said she wanted you to come by and pick them up since we’re... you know... trying to prepare the spare room.”
Jesus.“Okay.”
He checked his phone. “Shit, we have Lamaze class soon. I gotta go, man. Want to come up to the apartment and grab that box?”
“Sure, let’s go.”
We walked the few blocks to the apartment, hardly speaking along the way. Once we got to the building, I shuffled behind him into the lobby. The two scotches, combined with the weirdness of being in my old building, suddenly hit me. “You know what, Brad? I’m just gonna wait here for you to bring the box down.”
