She leaned in close to my ear and said, “I’m pregnant.” She seemed much more cautious than excited.
I turned around and said, “Really? That’s great.”
“Yeah. I bought a fetal doppler, it was eight hundred dollars. I hope you don’t mind,” she said with zero emotion. It was rare for Dani to be expressionless. You could usually tell within a few moments of being around her what she was feeling. If she wasn’t dancing, cracking jokes, making funny commentary or kissing and hugging you, then she was probably yelling or crying. Occasionally, you’d get an even-keeled version of her, but it was rare. I think she took that side of herself to work, mostly. She’s always been “love hard, fight hard” when it comes to the people in her personal life.
In the kitchen that day, I tried to make light of the situation, which was a bad idea. “Are you planning on checking the weather?”
Her expression stayed cold. “A fetal doppler is so that we can know if the baby is dead inside of me.”
The way she said it felt so harsh. “Why are you putting that out there?” I asked.
“What?” Mad Dani was starting to come out. “You mean out into the universe? Like I’m capable of willing something to happen with my thoughts and fears? What a gift…and a curse!”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“So if this one dies, it will be my fault for buying a fetal doppler?”
“Dani, you’re being terrible right now.”
She broke down and started crying. Ethan noticed and frowned, so she went and set him on a play mat in the living room, then walked back into our bedroom. When I came in, she was curled up on the bed.
“I’m sorry, Dani.”
“I’m sorry too,” she said in a cracked voice.
“Noah’s already sleeping. I’m going to put Ethan down and I’ll be back,” I told her. I came right back and curled up behind her.
We made love that night. It was slow and tender. She told me it was exactly what she needed to get her mind off the baby…to focus on our love and the family we already had. She was so affectionate and warm then…attentive in a way that made you want to reciprocate it instantly. At that time, I had never felt so close to a person. I haven’t since, and to be honest, I doubt I ever will.
Two months later, she was looking for the heartbeat on the doppler. She called to me from the bedroom. “Alex, come in here, please!”
By the time I got into our room she was almost hyperventilating, standing at the vanity mirror and holding the wand to her stomach.
“What’s wrong?”
“Let me lie down on the bed and you try it. I can’t find the heartbeat!” she said, out of breath.
“Try and stay calm.” She was lying on her back horizontally across the bed. She held her sweater up above her bra.
I moved the doppler in a grid slowly over her stomach, listening. The volume was all the way up. We picked up Dani’s heartbeat. “That’s me,” she said.
“I know.” I moved it to the lower part of her stomach, where an early baby bump was forming. I was still moving the doppler wand, but I already knew.
I remember so vividly Dani looking up at me, eyes wide, waiting to hear something. After a couple of minutes, tears began streaming down her face. She wasn’t frowning. Her face wasn’t scrunched up and she wasn’t making a sound, but tears were pouring off her cheeks. This went on for the entire hour it took to get the kids to my mom’s and for us to get to the hospital. A constant and steady stream of emotional pain.
When the doctor came in and did the ultrasound, we all saw the tiny baby, but no heartbeat. At that point, Dani was resigned. She was no longer crying, just numb. The doctor apologized and asked her if she wanted to wait to miscarry naturally or if she wanted a D&C to remove what the doctor described as “fetal tissue.”
“Danielle, this is not an indication that you cannot have more children,” Dr. Lee told her. “I know this is a painful process. We’re going to check all your levels and do a thorough exam in a week or so, and then we’ll make a plan for what’s next. Most of the time a miscarriage is because the baby would not have been viable anyway. You understand that, right?”
Dani nods.
“If it’s because of your body, or hormone levels, there are things we can do, but most often it’s your body doing the exactright thing. You’ve proven you’re capable of carrying to term and having healthy, natural births.”
Dani looked exhausted and vacant behind her eyes. She was just nodding, indifferently. “Okay,” she said.
“We can give you progesterone once you’re pregnant again and it will help build up a more stable lining in your uterus. There are a number of things we can do.”
Dr. Lee was young. She didn’t have any children of her own. I think in Dani’s mind the doctor couldn’t possibly understand, so Dani showed her grace.
