She’s so close to me now. We’re standing still and quiet in front of the couch. It will be weird if I don’t kiss her, but I cannot bring myself to make the move. She leans up and kisses me instead. In the moment it feels normal, just a little different than Dani, but I can hardly remember kissing Dani anymore anyway.
I move my hand to cup the back of her neck. She makes a small, satisfied sound. She’s getting more into it, her hands squeeze my biceps tightly.
Pulling away, I take a breath and say, “That was nice.” I don’t know what possesses me to do this, but I pause for a moment and look down at her feet. She’s wearing sandaled heels and she has theweirdesttoes I’ve ever seen. They look like my ninety-year-old grandmother’s fingers.
Why did I look?She takes a step forward, closing the lastlittle bit of distance between us. The toes keep flashing in my mind. Candy breezing by thinking Valeria was Dani keeps flashing in my mind. My kids keep flashing in my mind.
I kiss her again. She’s pressing her body against me, but suddenly I’m entirely not in the mood. When she realizes this, she moves her hand down to touch me.
Oh my god! It’s not going to work.
All I can think about is that if her toes look like old fingers, what do her hands look like? When she realizes nothing is happening, she stops.
I step back and breathe in and out dramatically. “You are stunning,” I say, out of breath.
“You think?” she says with a half smile, a condescending look.
“I’m sorry. I am so in my head right now. I just got out of a twenty-two-year-long relationship.” I search for something else to say, but I’ve got nothing.
Valeria seems to be contemplating something. I watch her thinking for a moment. Sheisgorgeous. If I wanted to, I could make this all happen right now.
“Alex, I’m established, in my forties…and I’ve been divorced. I’m not looking for that. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have even returned your call after tonight.”
I jerk my head back, feeling oddly wounded. Despite what she said, she’s closing the distance between us again.
“Uh-huh,” I say. It finally hits me. It’s just sex. I’m going to have sex with this woman and then never see her again. I bend and kiss her again, this time for a long time. I’m thinking about where I’m going to do this. On the bed Dani will sleep in tomorrow? On the sheets she washed for me? In the apartment she told me was off-limits?
Pulling away again, I say, “I’m sorry.” But now I am turned on and she knows it.
She smiles with compassion. “I understand, Alex. I really do.” She cups my cheek with her hand. “You’ll get there. Just not tonight.” She reaches down to the table and picks up her phone.
“You don’t have to—”
“Oh perfect! There’s an Uber right here,” she says as she picks up her purse and starts walking toward the door.
This is like my dream woman. I can’t believe I’m letting her go. She is so understanding, easygoing, calm, beautiful, sexy, and she doesn’t want a relationship, but I cannot get out of my headspace enough to sleep with her.
She opens the door to leave, then turns around. She’s looking back at a photo on the table by the door. “I remind you of her, don’t I?”
“No, no, that’s not it.”Dani has much prettier toes than you.Valeria doesn’t remind me of Dani. The only similarity is that she’s witty and intelligent and has dark hair. Valeria’s demeanor is completely different, but I can see why she would think that after seeing the picture of Dani and the boys hiking the Zion Narrows. It was taken from far away and it just shows Dani’s figure and dark hair, but you can’t really see her face. I don’t want Valeria to take my behavior the wrong way. “Maybe we can try to get together—”
“No thank you, Alex. It really isn’t you. You’re charming, a blast to be around, and I’m clearly attracted to you, but I just do not have time to date and it’s not fair of me to lead anyone on.”
I smile, strangely relieved. “Okay. Well, again, nice meeting you.”
We hug, she leaves, and I go straight to bed. It’s been a long day. For the first time in many years the smell of Dani on the pillow is comforting.
18
you’re kidding me
Danielle
It’s 9a.m.Sunday morning and I’m packed and eager to go to the apartment. It’s not that I want to get away from the kids, it’s that I don’t want to wait on Alex. I don’t want him to dictate what time the whole switcheroo is going to happen, so I text him first.
ME: I’m leaving the boys alone for a bit. Gonna go to Sprouts then the apartment. Are you close?
ALEX: I’m two minutes away but the cleaning people are on their way to the apartment. They’ll probably be there for a while.
