Two episodes ofThe Walking Deadin, and I have no idea what’s going on in the show. My mind is somewhere else. Ethan and Noah go to bed a half hour earlier than usual and without me telling them to.Are they avoiding me?
I kiss them good night, head back to the kitchen, and pour the last of the champagne into my glass. One bottle down, all alone, with two children in the house. I know I have to stop after this glass, definitely shouldn’t open another bottle, but…I’mcelebrating. Still, I’ve always promised myself not to drink alone like this. I should just go to bed.
There’s a text from Alex.
ALEX: Congratulations, Dani. Noah told me you got the show when I called the boys to say goodnight. I know how much this means to you. It’s a really big deal. A game-changer for you.
I’m not sure how to respond. If I just say “Thank you,” it will seem like I’m mad, which I actually am, but not really at Alex. I’m more irritated that Lars could have prevented the hell wewent through. I’m sad that Alex and the boys only ever knew the sick and wicked side of my mother. I’m pissed at that old man for giving me a panic attack in the middle of the street. And I’m pissed at myself for a failed marriage…or I guess now it’s a dead marriage. It’s really over and it’s all finally hitting me. When the good things happen, no matter how grateful you pretend to be, sometimes it’s still not enough to get that small sip of air you need to not drown in the bad things. The waves crashing over me are just too big for the small boat that the show represents. I’m still getting pummeled by wave after wave.
ME: Thank you, Alex. It’s so very bittersweet that it happened today, the day our divorce was final.
I am crying now, sobbing. Tears are flooding my phone screen.
ME: So, so bittersweet. I would be celebrating with you. That’s the one thing we were NOT horrible at. Celebrating together.
I see the bubbles next to the text, indicating Alex is responding.
Then nothing.
17
untying your knots
Alexander
I can hear the derision in her words, but there’s also something else. Is it resignation or exhaustion, or just raw emotion? I don’t know, but I feel it too. I know her like I know myself. I know that whether she’s resentful, mad, or sad, no matter what, she is definitely crying right now.
There’s a resounding silence in the apartment. It’s deafening, constant. Dani always put music on. Twenty-four/seven there was music playing in our house. I got used to it. Now the quiet sounds like noise.
My thumb is hovering over the letters. I don’t know exactly how to respond to her.
My first text was a big step for me. I was trying to be the bigger person, but now it feels like she’s guilting me. There is no question that I am happy for Dani. Our turmoil does not take away from the fact that she is a talented writer. And even more than that, she’s a workhorse. She will be the hardest worker onthe show, like she has been on every other show, except now she’ll get the well-deserved recognition.
Thirty minutes have gone by now and I have not responded. I know I need to say something.
ME: I agree, Dani, it is bittersweet. I’m sorry the cards fell this way. No one planned for it all to happen on this day.
I can hear her snarky response…I didn’t say anyone did, Alex.
I decide to add another text. I’m not just playing nice. It’s true, she deserved the show.
Me: I wish you the best nonetheless. I know more than anyone how much you deserve this show.
The next thing I know, my alarm is going off. I had fallen asleep, fully clothed, with my phone in hand. It’s four-thirty in the morning, the usual time I wake up. Most days I go for a run, or hit the gym near the clinic for a quick workout, but today I hit Snooze. I hit it over and over again until I am running late for my 9a.m.patient. This is so unlike me.
For twenty minutes I scramble around, frantically getting ready. Somehow, I make it out the door at ten minutes to nine. Normally ten minutes would be enough time to get to the clinic, but it’s rush hour. I’m parking twenty minutes after nine.
Jenna, my very pregnant clinical supervisor, greets me at the back door. She’s due any day now and I still need to fill her position. Jenna was the one person who was pretty shocked and disappointed when she found out Dani and I were getting divorced. I think she always looked up to Dani. In a strong and beautiful way, they respected each other, and they complimented eachother often. I marveled at that display of confidence and mutual admiration. Jenna’s been running the clinic for six years. I don’t know what I’ll do when she goes on maternity leave.
“Wow, this is a first. You have Ms. Olstein in room two.”
“Is she pissed?” I whisper.
“She’s always pissed. Don’t sweat it. Oh, you do know that there are four people waiting to be interviewed by you at ten, right?”
“Interviewed by me?” I say.
“Yes, temps for my position.”
