“No, we want you to stop talking about it,” Noah blurts out.
I realize in that moment how hard it is to see the scales anymore, let alone keep them balanced.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “There is something specific I want to talk to you about.”
The boys are staring at me, Ethan with his light hair, blue eyes, and Noah, all dark hair, dark eyes like me. One is stubborn, one is brainy, one is loving, one is more independent…but together they are perfect. Right now Ethan is about an inch taller, which infuriates Noah. Sometimes the two of them are warring nations, but right now they are a united force.
They are their own people and I’ve just realized in this moment that my marriage has nothing to do with them. Having two parents who get along is important, much more important than a piece of paper that is simply a declaration between me and their father.
“Mom!”
“I know, I know.” I’m changing course in my mind. “So we’ve talked about how there are going to be some logistical changes,but I think it’s important to point out that we are getting a divorce so we can behappier,not just divorced. We have unlearned how to be happy together.”
“And can’t you relearn it?” Noah asks.
“No. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”Why did I just say that? I’m flailing.
“But it’s not a new trick, and are you comparing Dad to a dog?” Ethan asks.
“No, not at all. I’m saying we both are.” I take a deep breath and collect myself. “Your dad is a great person. He is kind, generous, loving, smart, so many wonderful things. Someday, he will likely get a girlfriend.” They’re still staring at me like I’m spewing the obvious. “I want you to know that unless she’s a total train wreck, mean or ignorant, materialistic or shallow, or she’s a fan of shitty music, youmustbe nice to her. As long as she’s nice to you.”
“Oh, it’s this talk,” Noah says. “Yeah, Dad gave us this talk while we were waiting in the ER a couple days ago.”
“Huh?” I’m flabbergasted. “What did he say?”
“Essentially the same thing you just said in reverse,” Ethan says.
“He told you to be nice to his future girlfriend?”
“Noooo, Mom, are you serious? This is when you would call someone ‘obtuse,’ ” Noah says playfully.
Jesus, when did my kids become smarter than me?
“He said you were great. He said you’re a great mom and person and that someday you might date. His criteria was a little different though. He mentioned all that mean and shallow stuff, but at the end he said, ‘If the guy is a Giants fan, you have my permission to be a dick to him.’ ” Both the boys chuckle.
I’m laughing and crying at the same time. I can’t believe hehad this talk with them, and I’m shocked that he said those nice things about me. This feels like the true marker of the end.
“Well, I guess I agree. No Giants fans.” We laugh for another moment and then I stop abruptly. “I’m curious. I need to know. What did he say exactly? Like word for word?” Now the boys look exasperated.
“I don’t remember word for word, Mom. He was basically saying not to make you feel guilty about being happy.”
“Yes, that’s right,” I say, almost in a whisper.From the mouths of babes…
“Anyway, Dad would never date someone with bad taste in music,” Noah says, laughing.
I shrug. “I’d never date a Giants fan.”
“Can I order a pizza now?” Ethan says.
Just like that, they’re kids again.
Everything is taken care of. The boys barely need me anymore. I walk upstairs thinking how insane the day has been. I still have to hunker down and get organized for tomorrow. When Connie called and said four executives from Apple TV wanted me to come in and pitch my show, I was over the moon. Before this, I really thought my career was done for. I should feel reinvigorated, or happier about the news. I was jumping up and down on the phone with Connie, but as soon as I hung up, reality came rushing in.
I wished I had someone to tell, to bounce things around with. When I was twenty years old, one of my childhood friends went to Spain to study abroad. She would send me postcards of all her fabulous travels. She ventured across Europe alone. Every weekend she went to a new country. I was envious of her independence and bravery. I planned a trip to go see her over the holidays that year. When she met me at the airport in Madrid,she was crying hysterically, hugging me as tightly as she could. She was so lonely. I kept asking her about all the places she went and she just kept saying, “It’s like it didn’t even happen. I’m so glad you’re here.” Later that week, we traveled to Portugal. It’s such a vivid memory still and I love that it has stuck with me. We were staring out at the Tagus river from Belém Tower, just in awe of the country, when she turned to me and said, “None of those other places felt real because I knew I wouldn’t have anyone to share the memory with.”
15
where have i been?
