“Have a bigger dick than me?”
“How would I know? How would my mother know that? You’re being ridiculous. You know all that Hollywood stuff is bullshit!”
“Maybe I don’t know that. Maybe I’m not smart enough. Not yourintellectual equal.”
Emotionally spent, I say, “Maybe you aren’t. Lars never even made a pass at me. He thought I was happily married because that is how I acted. I could have won an award for that performance.”
Alex rolls his eyes. “Now you’re defending his virtue?”
“His virtue? His career was trashed. He was accused of being a misogynist at the height of the Me Too movement and he’s literally the most fair and progressive person I know.”
“He sounds great. Anyway, it was you that was being accused of being unprofessional, remember?” He smirks, arrogantly satisfied with his comeback. He knows how sensitive I am to the topic.
“Let’s get something straight. My professional reputation…his career, they were torched to the ground and smeared all over the internet because of one woman’s jealous accusations and her own harebrained imagination. We were stripped of our dignity. I was strong enough to fight back and that’s why I’m stilltreading water in this business, but Lars was not. He’s now a shut-in at some hippy freaking commune in Northern California!Because of me, Alex! Me!I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for something I’m not even responsible for.”
“You never think about us. It’s alwaysyourcareer,hiscareer,yourmother,herfeelings, and on and on…”
“I could easily say the same about you and the fact that you avoid this house. At least I’m here.”
I can’t believe the day is already coming to an end. It’s getting dark out and I’m still fighting with Alex on the porch.
“You took care of her despite her endless criticism, her abuse, and her unyielding cynicism. She was toxic, Dani. And you still defend Lars despite being accused of having an affair with him. It’s disgusting.”
“I defended Lars and I took care of my mother because it was the right thing to do. Is this why we’re still fighting? You need me to apologize…again? For something out of my control? Okay, fine. I’m sorry about my mother. And I’m sorry I wasn’t more considerate of your feelings with the Lars thing. It’s confusing because you don’t appear to have any feelings.”
With that he turns on his heel and heads back into the house. Just before shutting the door, he says, “It’s exhausting, Dani. I can’t wait for this to be over.”
“Same!” I grab the box and head down the steps to the driveway. I’m holding it together all the way to the car. I drive away as the picture of strength and resolve, but I get exactly one block down the road before I pull over and start sobbing.
It’s hard to pinpoint how I feel. I don’t understand why Alex is pushing back now after weeks of being seemingly detached. I thought he would have been shoving me out the door.
I look down at my phone to see a text from him only a minute after I left. The argument continues…
Alex: What about dating, Dani?
Me: Dating? You’re kidding me? What are you asking me?
Alex: Are we gonna set some ground rules?
Me: You in a big hurry to jump back in the deep end?
Alex: I’m asking to avoid another huge fight.
Me: Do whatever you want. The apartment is off-limits though. OFF-LIMITS! I don’t want to see or hear about it either. You’re a piece of work. The ink isn’t yet dry. Twenty-two goddamn years!
9
i tuned you out
Alexander
No one mentions how you’re jettisoned into an unknown abyss once you separate. You’re forced to relinquish this control you’ve had for so long…this right to respect, or loyalty, or something I can’t quite put my finger on. I guess it’s simply the knowledge of knowing what the other person is doing at all times.
Asking her in a text what the dating rules were created a pit in my stomach as I stood in the entryway waiting for her response. She was pissed and thought it was too soon. She thought it was absurd. I took a deep breath…relieved we finally agreed on something. Yet, despite that fact, I still couldn’t bring myself to respond. I would leaveherto wonder.
I’m folding clothes in the bedroom Dani and I used to share. I haven’t spent much time in here over the last few years. I look around and notice it’s unusually tidy.Does she sit in here and organize in her spare time?
“Are you going to move back into this room now?” I hear Noah say from the doorway.
