When she was done, she announced, “It’s all yours. I used your toothbrush for old times’ sake.”
“Penny?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I don’t want it to change anything. I fucked up by confusing you even more. I know you were just in the moment. You never would’ve wanted that if you weren’t all mixed up over Lance.”
“Gavin...” She reached up and put her hands on my stubbly jaw, running them up and down. Her eyes searched mine. “I was in the moment because I’ve never been kissed like that by anyone but you.” Her eyes welled up. “It’s too soon, and yes, too confusing. I don’t want anything to change between us, either. I’m afraid of what could happen to us. I love you, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want you to let this go to your already-giant head, but you know I’ve always been attracted to you. But I can’t do this right now.”
I nodded. I understood. There were at least ten funny, sarcastic, and mean retorts I could have said, but I didn’t because the truth was, her kindness, her loving nature, her smell, and her touch were so intoxicating, I was incapable of forming coherent sentences. And I didn’t want to ruin the moment. She might have felt guilty about Lance but I was positive she liked every second we were kissing.
“You gonna say anything?”
“I want so badly to sleep with you, Penny. But you’re right. It’s better this way. I’ll be back in a minute.”
I took a shower. A long shower.
You do the math.
Afterward, I slid into bed and fell asleep smelling her hair.
31.Three Months Ago
PENNY
When I woke up, Gavin was spooning me, sound asleep, with his hand on my hip under my T-shirt. I stirred. It felt like he was still half-asleep as he slowly caressed my side. I didn’t want to stop him but I knew it was wrong.
He buried his face in my neck and pulled my back flush to his front. I could feel him hard behind me. I tensed. “It’s nothing,” he whispered. “Just the morning. Relax, go back to sleep.”
We slept for a few more hours and then he got up, took a shower, and got ready to leave.
“Stay as long as you want. I’m going back to my dad’s. I’m really sorry about last night. I hope nothing has changed between us.” He was looking right at me, into my eyes, with honesty and penitence.
From the bed, I threw my arms out. “Come here.” He leaned over and hugged me. I held him to my chest and said, “Nothing’s changed.”
He pulled away. “I support any decision you make, P. I understand if you go back to him. He loves you. How can he not?” And there it was. Gavin believed there was no way a person couldn’t love me.
Gavin nodded. If Gavin had urged me to get a divorce, or if he had tried to make me feel bad about going back to Lance, it would have been much harder for me to confide in him. I needed my friend—and he knew it.
THREE DAYS LATER,while I was running errands in Denver, I got a call from Lance. “I know you said you needed your space, but I wanted to let you know that I canceled my next fitness competition. I told my boss I needed to cut back on my hours, and I’m seeing a psychologist now. She actually suggested that we go to marriage counseling and already referred me to someone. Would you be willing to go with me this Friday?”
He was trying. “Yes. I will.”
It sounded like he was going to cry. “Thank you.”
DR. LAKE, OURmarriage counselor, was a petite woman in her fifties with short black hair, a wide nose, and a no-nonsense attitude. She walked with a limp and a cane.
Gavin’s name came up more than once, but each time Dr. Lake tried to put the focus back on our relationship. What was missing in our marriage? Why were we unhappy?
“Penny, when you say that Lance seems unhappy, distant, and emotionally and physically unavailable, be specific. In what ways?” Dr. Lake said.
“Well, he works more than most people—”
“So I can buy you the things you like,” Lance interrupted.
“Let Penny finish talking, Lance. Then it will be your turn.”
“When he’s home, he works out in our home gym two or three hours a night. He claims to be too busy to make it to Milo’s school functions, like PTA fundraisers, and when we’re intimate, it feels one-sided, like he’s rushing things.”
