“I told him you have a girlfriend.”
“I’ve always had a girlfriend. You know that doesn’t matter to him. He’ll always be jealous as long as I’m around. Listen, why don’t you have Ling come out? You guys can stay in my apartment in Denver and put some space between you and Lance.”
“And you?”
“And me what?”
“Put some space between you and me?” she said.
I didn’t answer even though she was right. “Let’s go see my dad.”
We walked slowly toward my father’s grave. The grass hadn’t grown in yet, reminding me of how recent his death was. I kissed the top of his tombstone. “Hi, Dad.” My throat was tight but I tried not to cry. Penny stood behind me, rubbing my back.
She kissed her hand and touched his tombstone. “Hi, Frank.” We stood there in silence for several moments. “What are you thinking about, Gavin?”
“I’m thinking about the day he came to see me after I moved to Denver. He told me you were marrying Lance, but I already knew. He said you’d been over a lot recently, pregnant and shooting arrows in three feet of snow in his backyard. He wondered why you were always there... if it was because you missed your dad—”
“It was because I missed you.” Her voice broke.
“I know. That’s what he said. He told me to grow up, to come back, to go to your wedding, and to be a good friend.” My voice was shaking now, too. “He said it would be worth it to have you in my life forever.”
“Has it been, Gavin?”
“Well, you’re here with me now, rubbing my back. You’ve always been there for me. So yes. But how much can we fuck with what’s right? I can’t watch you and Lance fight anymore.”
“It’s complicated.”
I looked down at the tombstone. “You gave my dad something he never got from me. When you asked him to walk you down the aisle, when you brought Milo to his house... all the things he wanted so badly from me... a semblance of family... he got all that from you.” I turned and looked at her. “Thank you for what you did for him.”
She nodded, unwavering, stoic.
“But, Penny, you and Lance... it’s not real, it’s just comfortable. And now I’m not sure you can even say that anymore, can you?”
“No, I can’t.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Take you up on your offer. I’ll have Milo stay with my mom for a few weeks until I can figure things out with Lance. I’ll put some space between us.”
“You need to demand that you guys go to counseling at least.”
“I can’t divorce him, though, Gavin.”
“What? Why?”
“He’s all I’ve ever known.”
“You’re conditioned to feel that way but it’s just inertia. You’re a capable and intelligent woman, Penny. You don’t have to accept these imagined limitations. You could finally start your career and get a job.”
“Doing what? I’ve never worked a day in my life.”
“Teaching dance.” She cocked her head to the side and smiled softly, as if she were touched by my words, but she didn’t say anything.
After a moment, I took her hand and pulled her toward the car.
“Do you want to go up to see your father?”
“Okay,” she said.
