But love is a careless thing. Love is for fools.
“Okay, tell me everything,” she says, her cerulean eyes mirroring mine.
I hold my glass to my chest as I replay everything from the elevator to the fight from my perspective, and when pointing fingers for who to blame, I don’t count myself out. I know I am responsible for this chasm in our happiness.
“Julian,” she says softly. “Why would you do that?”
“I never wanted to be in a relationship in the first place, Amelia. I knew this was a risk.”
“Do you hear how ridiculous you sound?” she shrieks. “You are the reason your heart is broken. You pushed Archer and Freya out to protect yourself from the very pain you’re suffering from.”
My mouth opens to argue with her. “They were going to leave anyway, Mel.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because she…she ran the moment her mother saw us.” It’s a weak argument, but my mind is latching on to any reasoning it can.
“She was afraid, Julian. Archer was right. You were supposed to support her. She didn’t need a man to run at the first sign of danger. She needed a man who would talk some sense into her, reassure her he’d be there.”
“What if I’m not a good boyfriend, Mel? What if I’m not a good…anything?”
My sister freezes, and I can spot the moisture brimming in her eyes in my periphery. When she reaches out and clutches my hand, I nearly crack.
“I never understood why you were always so hard on yourself, Julian. Someone so smart and kind. I have never once seen you the way you see yourself, like you are some villain people are better off hating. I never bought that act.”
I don’t speak. I’m too busy trying to hold it together.
“Then Mom explained it to me. She said it’s like you were born without armor, so you have to put up that armor yourself.By being cruel and pushing people away and never letting people close to the most tender, soft parts of yourself.”
With a scoff, I blink the tears from my eyes, and they trail down my cheeks. I don’t bother to wipe them away.
“Pretty accurate actually.”
“Julian, what if Archer and Freya could be your armor? What if you let them inside? They would never hurt those tender parts.”
“I know they wouldn’t.”
“So what is the problem? I can’t bear to watch you throw away a life of happiness.”
With a deep sigh, I lean back in my chair and stare up at the cloud-filled sky. “It’s my fault, really. I should have been taking my meds, and I don’t know why I stopped. I wanted to believe I was better or that I could be whole without them.”
“You are whole without them, Julian. Trust me, I get it. You think I like taking mine? But I refuse to let my diagnosis get in my way. I refuse to give it control.”
For a moment, I don’t say anything. I’ve never felt weaker or more exposed in my life.
“Listen, Jules. Whether or not you want to take those meds, you have to know those two love you just the way you are. And if you let them go, I will personally become your living nightmare, and I will never, ever stop pestering you to get them back.”
With a chuckle, I run my fingers through my hair. “Well, it’s too late now, Mel. They’re gone, and I can’t take back the things I said.”
“So what do you think’s gonna happen?” she asks, slapping my leg. “That the love you have for them will just fade away? That you’ll feel better in a few days? Love doesn’t work that way, Jules.”
Staring out into the distance, I let my sister’s words wash over me. What choice do I have now? Apologize? Beg for them to come back? Even if Freya doesn’t believe we’ll work?
I replay the entire fight in my head. The fear in her eyes still guts me.
“What if I fight for them and it doesn’t work? What if they turn me down?” I ask flatly.
“You think it’s going to feel any worse than you feel right now?”
