“Cut it out guys, don’t get Dad wet,” Noah called out from the front of the canoe.
Ava clutched the box tighter with her dry arm, remembering why they were out there to begin with. They’d decided to scatter their dad’s ashes in the pond he loved so much. Water sloshed from behind her, the canoe rocking from the movement as Lucas used his paddle toslow them down. They’d reached the middle. From here, she could just make out the red tin roof of the cabin peeking through the densely packed pine trees.
Her brothers pulled their paddles out of the water and tucked them inside the canoe. Noah turned around on his bench to face Ava and Lucas. She handed him the box of ashes, then adjusted herself to straddle her seat so she could see both Lucas and Noah on either side. The canoe rocked back and forth from their movements. Rings of water rippled outward, creating divots on the lake’s surface.
“Now what?” Ava asked.
“We empty Dad’s ashes in the water,” Lucas said.
“I think we should say a few words first. Maybe each take turns pouring them into the water? That way, we all get a chance to say goodbye,” Noah said.
Ava smiled at her baby brother. He wore his heart on his sleeve in a way she never could. “That sounds like a great idea,” Ava said.
“Sure,” Lucas agreed.
Noah lifted the top off the box. He took a moment to stare at the contents inside, his knuckles turning white from his grip. “Hey, Dad,” he said quietly. “You finally got all three of us back in Cedar Falls again, though I’m sure this isn’t the way you intended it to happen.”
Noah chuckled and relinquished his tight grip on the box to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I think of you each time I get a copy ofPopular Sciencein the mail. You taught me to love science and math, and to appreciate the art of a good pun. I miss talking to you about nerdy stuff. Nobody cares aboutStar Warsand environmental policies the way we did.”
Noah swallowed. “I don’t know why you made the choices you made, but I believe you had good intentions.”
Noah looked up at Ava with his words, and she knew exactly what he was talking about. The life insurance policy. The cabin. Their unresolved fight. She blinked back tears, appreciating her younger brother’s forgiving nature. He was the best of them.
“I love you, Dad. And I miss you a lot.”
He opened the bag containing the ashes and lifted it from the box. He fiddled with the plastic bag until it opened, then tipped it over the edge of the canoe. The coarse gray cremains landed on the surface below and dispersed in all directions. To Ava’s surprise, they didn’t clump or sink but simply bobbed along with the movement of the water.
Noah handed her the plastic bag without a word, then removed his glasses to rub his eyes with the heels of his palms. She squeezed his shoulder in reassurance. And then it was her turn to say goodbye.
She looked at the contents of the bag like Noah. The entirety of her dad, his life, his personality, distilled into a few pounds of mineral and ash you could mistake for rocky sand. The whole experience was surreal.
“I’m sorry I never came back. I know my actions hurt you. It hurt a lot of people, and I’m coming to terms with that. You always said I had time, and I took that for granted, thinking I had all the time in the world with you. That you’d always be here. I’ll never get that time back with you, and I’m so sorry.”
She wiped a few stray tears from her face.
“I wish I could’ve gotten one of your hugs one last time. I could really use one now. You hugged like it’d be the last time you saw me. It always felt like you were trying to protect me from the rest of the world,” she said. She chanced a look at Noah to her right.
He nodded at her, a small smile of encouragement on his face despite the tears of his own.
“I love you, Dad.” She leaned forward and shook more remains over the edge of the canoe, leaving the last third for Lucas. Some caught the wind while most spread across the surface, gently bobbing away. The guilt that had overwhelmed her since her dad’s death was still there, but it didn’t feel so heavy. Like she could release some of it alongside his ashes.
The lake water continued to lap against the side of the canoe, and the loons continued their trek across the surface. And despite her grief, the world still continued. With or without her dad’s presence in it.
She turned to her left and handed the remaining ashes to Lucas. He sat expressionless behind her, no hint of emotion on his face. Not that she expected to see any.
He remained silent for several minutes as he stared into the bag with an unreadable expression. She assumed he would toss the ashes into the water without a word, ready to get this ordeal over with, but he spoke.
“I’ve spent a lot of my adult life angry at you. That’s probably not something I should say given the circumstances, but it’s true.” Lucas inhaled sharply. “I don’t want to be angry anymore. So instead, I forgive you. And I hope you forgave–” Lucas’ voice cracked. He cleared his throat. “I hope you forgave me in the end.”
Ava tipped her head toward the sky, blinking back the tears that sprang to her eyes. The show of emotion from her stoic older brother was too much for her to handle.
“Goodbye, Dad,” Lucas said. He bent over the side of the canoe and tipped the remaining ashes into the lake. At the same moment, a strong gust of wind rippled through the air, causing a handful of the ashes to catch the draft. Ava and Noah watched in horror as a handful of cremains flew right into Lucas’ face.
“Oh my God,” Ava cried. She slapped a hand over her mouth, not wanting to get any of the ashes in her own mouth as Lucas furiously spat over the side of the canoe and swiped at his hair to dislodge any ashes.
He leaned further over the canoe to cup some water and douse his face. The canoe tipped precariously to the left with his movements. Ava shifted to the far right of her seat to balance the canoe better. They rocked back and forth as Lucas eventually dunked his entire head under water to get the ashes out of his hair.
He resurfaced, gasping for air like he’d been underwater for minutes and not seconds. Ava glanced at Noah, catching his wide-eyed look. When they made eye contact, Noah’s lips turned up in a smile. A contagious smile that Ava mirrored.
