And boy did it unravel quickly.
“Congrats, Ms. Wilder,”Mistress Maral says the next day, placing a gentle hand on my elbow to hold me back as the rest of the class exits. Evelyn is the last one out the door. She shoots me a curious glance, but I wave her on, pointing toward the recovery room where I’d meet her and the others. “I hope you’re excited for this opportunity.”
“I am. Thank you again for recommending me.”
“Hmm.” I can’t tell if she’s agreeing with or assessing me. Knowing her, probably both.
“I have to admit, I was a bit surprised. Why me?” My voice comes out hoarse between catching my breath at the end of class and insecurity over what she’s getting at, despite not wanting to leap to conclusions.
“I had my doubts,” she agrees. My stomach sinks, my nerves ready to rattle my carefully crafted composure in the name of professionalism. “But you’ve more than proved your mettle since coming to Ballet Potomac. I fully believe if you keep up the good work—and continue going to your physical therapy appointments—you’ll be a strong candidate for promotion.”
“Really?” I barely squeak out the word.
“I wouldn’t have made the recommendation if I didn’t believe you could do it.” Her lips straighten into a thin line. “Now, you’ll just need to do me a favor.”
“Of course. What do you need me to do?”
The corner of her mouth quirks upward. “Prove me right.”
I headto the dressing room and change into my bathing suit, the one I’ve had tucked in my bag for weeks. If Ballet Potomac is finally embracing me, it’s time I take the plunge and embrace them right back. It’s a new season with the company, another fresh start. Mistress Maral’s subtle confidence in me is the boost I need as I walk from the lockers over to the door. I inhale slowly a few times, peering through the slice of glass between the dressing and recovery rooms.
You’ve got this, Jolie.
I push the door open and smile over at Evelyn, Sara, and Veronique. The first two are still in the large ice-filled tubs while Veronique dries off with a towel. She furrows her brows at me, rightfully confused. “Are you about to do what I think you are?”
“I think so.” My legs are a bit wobbly. I’m not sure if it’s from my nerves or working so hard in rehearsals today.
“Ahh! Get on in, girl,” Evelyn calls over, reaching an arm out to pat the basin next to hers. “I’ve got about seven more minutes left. Come join in for what you can of them.”
I release a breath and shake the towel off my shoulders, showing off my navy one-piece halter swimsuit. Pale-pink flower petals descend from the neckline, scattering down my torso. I move to the side of the basin between Evelyn and Sara and hangthe towel on the rack. I can already feel the temperature shift just by being so close to the water’s edge.
I rub my hands together quickly. “Okay.”
“Do you want some help getting in?” Veronique offers, extending her hand.
I almost tell her I can manage on my own but grip her palm instead. I brace myself for the sting of ice, along with any memories that surface with it. Every time I’ve even looked at these basins, I’ve been haunted by the memory of the accident.
My body submerged in the freezing water.
My mother’s vacant stare.
The eyes that haunted me until I fully understood who they belonged to.
A small gasp escapes my lips as the tip of my toe plunges into the water, but I don’t recoil. Instead, I sink it deeper into the tub until it touches the bottom, flattening out my foot. Veronique steadies me, and I swing the other leg over.I’m ripping off a Band-Aid, I remind myself, sitting down and scooting to the edge of the tub. Gripping the lip of the basin, my knuckles are white and tiny bumps cover every inch of me that isn’t submerged.
My stomach twists, pulse races, and visions flood my mind. Each one drags me farther beneath the water despite how still I am, clutching the frigid basin.
This was a terrible idea.
Why did I think I was ready?
My body quivers.
“Cold, right?” Evelyn asks, giving a shimmy of her shoulders above the water.
I nod, but her words remind me that the cold is no longer my enemy. It hasn’t been for months. Like the silver-white wolf that once startled me from afar, I no longer fear it. I embrace its stingand sink into the numb it brings. The cold ishim. And when I think of Jax, I feel safe and loved.
Home.
