“There is nothing else to talk about. I was a fool to say something.” Sadness deepened the lines around his eyes as he offered me his arm again. “Come. I will take you to your room and then I will go freshen up to speak to Aunt Maude as soon as she’s awake.”
I wanted to beg him to speak to me of love, but he was right. He could not act upon his feelings and neither could I. It would be foolish for me to tell him I was in love with him, and the weight of that knowledge crushed me.
Taking his arm, I allowed him to walk me up the stairs and lead me to my room.
Before I opened the door, I turned to him again, my mouth open to speak, but he bowed and said, “Good night, Keira.”
And then he walked away.
Gallagher arrived in my room at eleven that morning to wake me up and start my toilette. I had slept so little after returning to my room, I felt groggy and irritable as she opened the shutters and stoked the fire.
“Your aunt has told me to not let you sleep past eleven,” she said. “She’s expecting several gentlemen callers here after luncheon.”
Despite their name, morning calls were not usually made until one or two in the afternoon. It was another thing that had baffled and confused me.
I wanted to groan and protest the social obligations, but that would only force Aunt Maude to come into my room and demand my compliance. I didn’t want to upset her or give her reason to regret adopting me. The alternative to living here and obeying her wishes was a life I didn’t want to think about. Sometimes, when I allowed myself to think about my life in Five Points, my back ached as it once had from stitching piecework all night, and I could almost feel the prick of the needle in my fingers.
“Is Mr. Paxton-Hill still at home?” I asked, sitting up, not sure whether I wanted her to say yes or no.
Seeing Alec after the ball and finally acknowledging to myself that I was in love with him, and hearing he loved me, had left me feeling unmoored.
“Aye,” she said. “He’s speaking to your aunt now.”
“Will he join us for lunch?”
“I couldn’t say, miss.” She had brought one of the pink day dresses into the room with her. It was beautiful, with layers of delicate silk, ivory-colored lace, and pearl buttons.
Did I want to see Alec before he returned to Newport? In the four months I’d been in Aunt Maude’s home, I’d only spent a few weeks in his company, but his impact on my life and my heart had been enormous. Perhaps it would be best if I didn’t see him again. I’d known from the first day that my course was set for England and I couldn’t let my heart get entangled with his.
Yet I wanted to weep at the thought of not being with him again.
With resolve, I decided the best thing to do was focus on getting to Europe, meeting a duke or prince, and finding my mother. Those were things I could control.
By noon, I was bedecked in the beautiful pink gown and Gallagher had styled my hair in an updo that was elegant, yet simple. I wore pearl earrings to match the buttons and, despite the pit in my stomach, my cheeks displayed a delicate pink shine.
As I stepped out of my room, I had decided I didn’t want to see Alec again. It would be easier to push him out of my mind and heart if I wasn’t forced to converse with him or have his handsome, blue-eyed gaze on my every move.
“Clara?” I turned toward Aunt Maude’s room, where the door was open and Alec was standing. “Aunt Maude would like to see you.”
My pulse picked up its rhythm and excitement filled my midsection at seeing him again, despite the resolution I’d just made. Frustration and anger at myself soon followed. I couldn’t let Alec affect me this way.
His face was serious as he stepped aside to allow me to enter her sitting room.
I forced myself to walk past him without looking in his direction. Every time I thought about his declaration in the library, I wanted to either throw myself into his arms, or pretend I’d never met him.
Aunt Maude sat on one of the chairs by her fireplace, her elbow on the armrest as she stared into the fire.
“Good afternoon,” I said to her. “I hope you slept well after last night’s success.”
She didn’t greet me with her usual calm, and the lines of her face were hard and unreadable as she turned away from the fire.
I paused. “Is something wrong?”
“Sit down, Clara,” Aunt Maude said. “We have something we need to discuss with you.”
My legs began to shake at the severity of her voice.
I slowly lowered myself into the chair across from her as Alec joined us.
