And I hated that I had walked away from Austen, and I couldn’t go back.
I entered our house and closed the door behind me, leaning against it, fighting my tears.
There was no future for us, and we both knew it. If I went back to him but couldn’t give him what he wanted—what we both wanted—then it would only hurt more. He’d push me away, I would get upset, and we’d be miserable. I would try to get him to accept what I had to offer, but he wouldn’t. And I didn’t blame him. If he couldn’t have all of me, he didn’t want any part of me. It was selfish of me to ask him to settle for less than what he deserved, because I couldn’t give Austen forever.
My tears came in earnest as I walked down the hall and entered my father’s study. It was the only room in the house the servants didn’t bother. And my father wouldn’t be home for hours, while Mother was still in bed.
I let my tears fall unchecked as I walked to the window and looked out at the courtyard.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” I whispered to God. “I don’t even know what to pray for.”
In the past, I had always told God exactly what I wanted, hoping He’d agree, and it would be done. If things didn’t work out how I hoped, they almost always worked out better, and I didn’t worry.
But this was different. There was no good solution. No answer that could give me everything I desired. I wanted to save Mary. I wanted to give my heart fully to Austen. I wanted my work in 1938. I didn’t want to leave Mama and Papa—but I also didn’t want to leave Austen.
As I stared out the window, I realized there was only one thing to do. I had to surrender to God’s plan. I wasn’t sure what it was, or how it would work, but I was at the end of my own abilities.
A still, small voice whispered in my heart that I would be okay—but I also knew that I would have heartache. Because no matter what happened, I couldn’t have everything my heart desired. There was a measure of comfort knowing that God knew what was best for me, though it didn’t ease the pain.
The overcast sky opened once again, and rain descended upon London. It ran down the leaded glass windows in little rivulets. I was tired and cold, so I went to a wingback chair and pulled a blanket onto my lap, tucking my feet under me as I sat on the oversized leather chair near the window.
Thunder reverberated through the house, and a moment later I heard Austen say, “I’m leaving London, Kate.”
My heart jumped, and my blanket slipped to the ground as I pulled my gaze from the window and found Austen standing at the door.
It was my turn to be surprised and say, “What are you doing here?”
He walked across the study and squatted next to my chair. His face was close to mine, and I could see the specks of gray marbling his blue eyes. He was wearing his overcoat, and he had combed hishair. Slowly, he set his hat on the table next to me and lifted my blanket off the ground to gently lay it back on my lap.
When he was done, he took a moment before he said, “I came to tell you I’m leaving London.”
I set my feet on the ground. I wanted to beg him not to leave, yet—why would he stay?
“Where are you going?” I asked, instead.
“To my cottage on Loch Lomond.”
“Why are you telling me?” My voice was low. “You’ve never told me before.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but then he closed it again and let out a sigh. “I’m—I wanted—”
I took his hand in mine. “There have never been any pretenses between us. Tell me what you came to say.”
The look he gave me was so powerful, my heart felt as if it stopped beating.
“I love you, Kate.” He swallowed, and every wall was down as he said, “I’m in love with you. And I’m tired of pretending I’m not.”
Tears filled my eyes as the rain tapped against the windowpanes. I placed my hand on his face and ran my thumb over the ridge of his cheekbone.
Austen closed his eyes and pressed against my hand. “I don’t expect you—”
“I love you, too,” I whispered, unable to keep the truth from him or myself. We both knew how things would end, but that didn’t stop me from loving him.
His eyes opened, and he searched my face.
I smiled and nodded, tears falling down my cheeks.
“Kate—” He stood, drawing me up with him, and wrapped me in his embrace.
