I stood for a heartbeat, now more sad than angry. When I turned, I found him just a few feet from me. I’m not sure if I went into his arms, or if he drew me in, but I found myself embracing him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, close to my ear.
“I’m sorry, too.”
“You have to know how I feel about you.”
I simply nodded, unable to find my voice.
“I know your feelings don’t match mine,” he continued. “And maybe that’s my fault for being—”
“It’s not your fault—or my fault. It’s just the way things are.” I slowly pulled back. “I know I’m a fool for caring about Marcus the way I do, but my heart belongs to him, Lewis. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry.” He tried to smile. “Because you’re right. It’s not your fault that you’ve fallen in love with a—” He couldn’t seem to say the word.
“Pirate?” I asked, half smiling.
He shook his head, but I could see he was trying to make light of the situation. “One of the reasons I’ve always admired you isbecause you’re intelligent and thoughtful. If you’ve found a reason to fall in love with him, then he must be a good man. I shouldn’t have tried to belittle him in your eyes.”
I returned to Lewis’s embrace and whispered, “Thank you.”
He held me tight, as if he didn’t want to let me go, but he finally did. “I’m heading to the Green Lantern. I’ll tell you if I learn anything helpful.”
I nodded, trying to pull my emotions together.
“Please promise me you won’t look for Annie without me,” he said. “I couldn’t bear if you got hurt.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.” He tried to smile again. “Goodbye, Carrie.”
As Lewis pulled away, I knew why I was so upset.
There was some truth to what he’d said about Marcus.
21
AUGUST 15, 1727
FLORIDA COAST
The ship was underway the next morning as I woke up. It was still dark outside as I opened my eyes to face a new day—one that was taking me closer to my old life at Middleburg Plantation. Marcus had insisted I continue to use his alcove bed, while he was sound asleep on the cot in the corner. I lay for a few moments, watching him sleep.
He was on his back, with one hand on his chest and the other above his head.
My conversation with Lewis the day before still echoed through my mind and heart. If I couldn’t make a life with Marcus, then what was I doing holding on to this hope? Would it be better if I cast aside my heart’s desire and gave myself fully to Lewis? I didn’t love him the way I loved Marcus, but I did care for him deeply. Was that enough to make a marriage work? Could I find the same passion and desire I felt for Marcus?
Would I need it?
The truth was that Iwantedpassion and desire. My heart ached just thinking about it. But Lewis was right. Marcus had no planson changing his ways. Not for himself, not for his mother, and not for me.
That pained me more than anything else.
Perhaps I should return to Grandfather. There was no guarantee that Marcus’s mother was still alive or that she’d want to take in a stranger. The journey to Massachusetts was fraught with risk. If I went back to Middleburg Plantation, I could tell Grandfather that I wanted to make decisions about my life. I had stood up to him once by running away. Perhaps he wouldn’t be so quick to force my hand if he believed I would leave again. I didn’t miss my life on the plantation or living by his strict rules, but I missed Nanny and some of the other servants who had been with us for years.
Yet, even as I considered what I would do next, the thought of saying goodbye to Marcus made my heart ache with an intensity that took my breath away.
It would be easier to forget about him if I didn’t have to see him night and day. Sleeping in the same room. Sharing the same meals. Discussing books, philosophy, and religion. Being so close, I could reach out and touch him, feel his skin against mine, or get lost in the depths of his eyes.
