We enjoyed our food in companionable silence, but when the soup was finished and we were waiting for our fish, Zechariah leaned back, catching my eye.
“Why did you pull away from me the night of the dance?”
His question surprised me. I didn’t think he’d bring up sucha sensitive topic, especially that one. But his candor gave me permission to be just as frank.
“I was scared.”
“Scared of what?” he asked.
“The future.”
“Why does the future scare you?”
“I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong choices and live with regret the rest of my life.” I had dealt with that fear since I was a child, and it was only growing with intensity as January drew near. I didn’t know if it was causing my faith in God to strengthen or wane, and that scared me even more.
“Am I the wrong choice, Maggie?” His straightforward questions were startling—yet refreshing.
“I’m not sure. That’s what scares me.” It was my turn to lean forward in my chair and be blunt with him. “Are you an option, Zechariah?”
He looked at me for a long time, emotions warring within his gaze. “I think I would like to be.”
A breeze blew across the rooftop, offering a bit of respite from the heat and ruffling the hem of my dress. “Would you?”
That same tension became taut between us as he hesitated and then looked down at the napkin in his lap. “To be honest, I don’t know if I should be an option. You’re young and vibrant, full of passion and intelligence. I know what I am, and I could never pretend to be anything else. You deserve so much more.”
“What are you?” I asked, truly curious how he saw himself.
He scoffed and shook his head. “I’m cantankerous, old, and stuck in my ways.” His gaze found mine as he added, “And terrified that I’ve found the most incredible woman I will ever meet, and she sees me for what I truly am.”
“I do see you for what you truly are,” I said, my voice soft and gentle. “I see a man who hides behind his irritable moods so he doesn’t have to get close to people, for fear he will lose them, especially when those people come and go so quickly inhis profession. I have a feeling those tendencies started when he was a child, moving to a foreign land, attending boarding schools.” I smiled. “I also see an incredibly brilliant man who is strong, compassionate, and fearless in the face of the human condition. He has a great capacity to love if he would only learn how to trust his own emotions. But more importantly, I see a man capable of changing, though he’s convinced himself otherwise.”
Zechariah’s expression relaxed and he smiled. It touched his eyes first and then his lips. “Do you truly see me that way?”
“I truly see you that way.”
“Then you may be the first.”
“Andyoumay be surprised. Your facade isn’t foolproof, Dr. Philips. Helen Daly has a pretty good handle on you, and I’m sure there are others.”
“As long as you see me,” he said.
The waitress arrived with our seafood, interrupting the conversation, for which I was thankful. It had become too serious. Was Zechariah falling in love with me? The possibility was both thrilling and alarming.
After the waitress left, I said a silent prayer and then took a bite of tuna. It was local and fresh and practically melted in my mouth. “My mother loves tuna,” I said, trying to change the subject so he would not ask something of me that I could not offer. “I will need to tell her to come to Panama City for the best tuna in the world.” I was speaking of my mom, Peggy Clarke, from 2001, but it still applied.
Talking about her reminded me that I didn’t know if I would ever see her again. Tomorrow was fast approaching, and with it, answers to a question I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
24
SEPTEMBER 13, 1861
WASHINGTON, DC
Thunder shook the windows, tearing me from my sleep. Though it was morning, the sky was as dark and foreboding as night. Lightning rent the sky, followed immediately by another clap of thunder so powerful, it felt as if the very earth tore apart around me. Wind rushed at the house, howling like a wild beast.
I was in 1861 again, and the truth shook me deeper than any storm, ravaging my heart and soul with a reality I had tried to ignore for the past two days.
My body had died in 2001, and I would never return there again.
