I looked out at the ocean, trying to decide how to explain, and realized I couldn’t.
But I could be honest with him.
“I’m not mad. I just don’t feel like myself this week.”
He was leaning on his elbows, causing his biceps to ripple. I had to look away.
“I’ve had a bit of time to do some self-reflecting,” he said,“which isn’t something I like to do often, since I usually find myself lacking.”
“Oh?” I smiled—one of the first smiles I’d had all week. “What did you discover, Zechariah?”
“If I want you to love me, I have to first learn how to love myself—or, at the very least, like myself. I realized a long time ago that I’m not a likable fellow.”
I started to laugh—I couldn’t help it—and he looked up, a little hurt.
“You think this is funny?” He sat up to face me, his back to the ocean.
I pressed my lips together, though it was difficult to suppress my smile. “I think it’s sweet. I’ve always known that beneath the bark and bite, there was a kind-hearted soul. You could be likable if you allowed yourself to be.”
“It’s one of the reasons I joined the group today,” he said. “If I want you to like me, I should probably try to get the others to like me too.”
“You’re off to a marvelous start, though I’ve always liked you. I didn’t need the others to approve.”
He grinned—truly grinned—and he looked magnificent. “I don’t know what you’re doing to me, Maggie Hollingsworth, but I feel like a new man. Iwantto be a new man.”
I reached out and touched his cheek, smiling. “I’m happy to hear it, but I don’t want you to do it for me. I want you to do it for yourself. When we make a change for ourselves, it tends to stick. If we change for other people, we go back to our old habits the second they’re gone.”
He put his hand over mine. “I hope you don’t have any plans on leaving soon.”
I shook my head. “Not anytime soon.”
“Good.” He let go of my hand and moved to sit closer to me, facing the ocean. When our bare legs brushed each other, I suddenly wondered what Gray would think if he saw Zechariahand me like this together, in swimming suits with so much skin showing. His nineteenth-century sensibilities would be appalled, I was sure.
“I haven’t felt this healthy in years,” Zechariah said, smelling like suntanning oil and salty sea air. “It was your suggestion that I go on an elimination diet that caused me to take it seriously. I think I’ve finally found the culprit. It is grain, like I said, but not just one grain, several of them. When I leave them out of my diet, I feel amazing. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this good, and it’s thanks to you.” He leaned closer. “How did you get so smart, Maggie?”
Unlike Gray, I knew that Zechariah’s pragmatic mind would never accept the truth. He was a man of science. He understood how things worked by observation and tests. He relied on the things he could see or measure. If I told him I was a time-crosser who had lived in 2001, he’d think I was insane. There was no way for him to observe or test the evidence.
So I shrugged. “I read a lot.” It was the same answer I’d given him before, and he accepted it as fact, just like he always had.
We were both quiet for several moments, and then he said, “Maggie, I’d like to show you that I’m changing. I want you to trust me. And maybe one day you could learn to love me the way I love you.”
I wanted to tell him I already loved him, but it wasn’t wise or kind, not if I still didn’t know if I loved him enough to forsake all others. If I told him I loved him and then I died, he’d be even more heartbroken. I cared too much about him to let that happen.
Besides, there was Gray. I could not tell Zechariah I loved him when I also loved Gray. It wouldn’t be fair to either man. Just thinking about it now made me feel guilty and ashamed.
Zechariah leaned forward, and I knew he was going to kiss me again. If this was my only path, I would have let him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Gray.
Instead of turning away from him, I put my hand on Zechariah’s bare shoulder and kept him where he was.
“Perhaps,” I said gently, “we should take it a little slower. We have all the time in the world, after all.”
It wasn’t necessarily true, but part of me wanted to believe it.
I was trying hard to know what my heart wanted, but I realized, with dismay, that it wanted two very different men equally.
30
DECEMBER 7, 1861
