The next, I’m staring at snowflakes gathered two inches from my nose, pain ravaging my nerves and muscles seizing slightly.
I don’t know how long I lie there.
A hand lands on my shoulder, and I’m still able to feel it through the cold. The world spins around me, but through it all, I can make out two familiar faces.
Izabel and Venna hover over me. Venna is closer. Hers is the hand on my shoulder, her tight grip and the twisting of her features expressing both frustration and concern. Izabel’s expression is one of pure sympathy. Her eyes are glassy, like she’s on the verge of tears solely because someone she barely knows is shivering pathetically in the snow.
Venna says something I can’t quite make out, then the two of them take my arms and haul me upright. I grunt and clench my chattering teeth. I hate this. I hate the twins seeing me like this, as if I’m some trembling weakling.
They know I was trying to leave, and my failure to do so is embarrassing. Humiliating, really.
Trying to maintain some pride, I attempt to walk on my own, but my legs won’t listen to me. I end up wriggling in their grip like a drunkard until we draw closer to the castle and the pain begins to abate.
Venna’s right hand clamps even harder on my arm as I begin to stand straighter. “What were you thinking?”
I want to spit something venomous back at them, but my mouth doesn’t want to listen to my brain quite yet. I might immediately vomit if I try it.
Izabel chimes in. “She’s right. You could’ve died.”
Scoffing, I finally get my feet under me. I shove the twins off and stagger towards the closest wall because I’m not entirely certain I’ll be able to remain upright otherwise. Yet the agony isvery quickly leaving me. It’s shocking how normal I feel so soon after being wracked by the sensation of my insides shattering.
When I turn to look at them, Venna’s hands are on her hips and Izabel is hugging herself. “Whatwereyou doing?” Izabel asks.
“Leaving,” I rasp out.
She rolls her eyes. “I know that, but?—”
“I have to get to my sister,” I snap. No one in this entire fucking castle seems to give a shit, but I do. “I can’t stay here. I have to reach her. I don’t know what just happened, but it can’t keep me from going after her. I can’t be stuck here forfour months, while Saela…” I can’t even finish the thought.
Venna’s eyes are downcast, face pale. Izabel’s face crumples. “I get it, but?—”
“You don’t,” I growl and slide down the wall. I rest my elbows on my knees and sink my hands into my silver hair. “You don’t,” I murmur under my breath.
Venna steps closer and sits beside me with her back against the wall. She holds out a hand, which Izabel takes as she, too, settles in front of me.
“Look,” Venna says slowly, “you need to understand that the bond between wolf and rider is fragile at first. I think yours might be especially fragile. Distance creates physical strain, which I’m guessing you felt? And that strain can snap it entirely, killing both wolf and rider.”
The enormity of that statement doesn’t entirely sink in, at first.
Izabel picks up where her sister left off. “It isn’t just something you can overcome through sheer determination. Only time and trust can strengthen the bond enough to allow distance. So unless you can convince your direwolf to take off to the front with you…”
Her voice trails off, and I realize the reality of the situation. It hits me like a hammer over the head. That pain…
I’m not going anywhere. I’m trapped. Truly, utterly fucking trapped.
If I try to go, it’ll just happen again the same way, and maybe next time, I won’t have Izabel and Venna there to drag my limp body from the snow.
Something akin to horror boils in my chest. I try everything I can to hold it together. These two women have just seen me struggling to stay alive in the snow, drunk on pain, helpless. I don’t need to let them see my despair, too.
But it’s just too much. The soaring hope of stepping out of the castle followed by that crippling pain. And now this. This claustrophobic, wretched truth that makes my skin crawl.
The sob rips from me. All the emotion I’ve been holding back since my arrival in this awful place, since the Ascent started, really, pushes to the surface. My eyes burn as I double over and start to shiver. My fingers dig into my knees as I try to pull myself from this spiral of grief, but I can’t stop it. Anger and fear and shame swirl in my mind, but the twins don’t react the way I expected.
I figured they would find my crying pathetic. I’d be weak, right? A common Rawbond unworthy of the bond she forged, already fracturing under the pressure.
But they don’t mock me. They don’t leave me there to fall apart. Venna reaches out and slides a warm hand down my back. Izabel reaches into her pocket and pulls out a silk handkerchief, holding it out to me. I stare at it for a moment, nearly shocked out of my tears.
Hesitantly, I take it and press it to my cheeks. The pain won’t stop, but it’s easing slightly with the constant gentle strokes of Venna’s hand on my back and the understanding glint in Izabel’s eyes.
