The buildings are taller. The roads are more spacious. There are no stray dogs scrounging for scraps. Most obviously, there’s no smell. The air isn’t clean, but it doesn’t reek like too many people crammed into too little space.
The fresher air does nothing to calm my nerves, though. I’ve been spiraling out ever since I signed the recruitment forms.
I want him to understand. Need him to, really. Lee is my anchor, keeping me in place when the wild tides of my own emotion threaten to pull me into deeper water. If he looks at me like I’m insane when I give him the news, it’s going to be difficult not to second-guess myself.
And there’s no room for second-guessing now.
Lee’s building is half-timbered like mine, but wide and four stories tall, all divided up into small units and mostly inhabited by other royal servants. He lives here alone, in his own tidy space, though he grew up in Northern as well.
Like Lee, his father works in the palace, but their relationship is strained and difficult. His father sounds like, well, an asshole. And his mother passed away when Lee was a child. When he got his messenger job as a teenager, he immediately moved out of his father’s place and into his own space.
Reaching his stoop, I push through the front entry and up the stairs to find him, my stomach twisting and turning. The idea of disappointing him makes me want to shed my own skin.
I knock on his door. There’s a thud from one of the neighboring apartments. I can hear shouting from the floor above me. My heart is pounding in my chest. My fingers are still cold from the wintry air, so I breathe on them to give myself something to do.
There’s a click before the door swings open. And…
I don’t know. Seeing him, suddenly everything is alright. I can’t remember why I was anxious. That’s how it is, with Lee. I take one look at his tall figure silhouetted in the doorway—his broad shoulders, his untucked shirt, his slightly messy dark blond hair, like he just woke from a nap—and I feel safe.
His hand lingers on the door. I watch his grip tighten when he realizes it’s me. Lee’s eyes are such a beautiful crystalline blue, like the sky on a surprisingly cold winter’s day, even in this darkened hall.
“Kitten,” he rasps, warmth lacing his voice. “You’re back.”
I know instantly what he means—I’mback. I’ve banished that part of me capable of falling apart entirely, the part who wept while he held her. She’s still here, deep inside, but I refuse to let her control me for another moment.
“I’m back,” I agree.And wait until you hear what I’ve done…
His strong arm closes around my waist and he yanks me into the apartment, the heat of his hard body flush against me. Lee tucks a lock of my dark hair behind my ear, kicks the door shut, and says, “Good. I missed you.”
Then that gaze of his drops lower, raking over my body, and I’m suddenly not thinking of anything other than this moment. The heat in his gaze flips a switch in my brain, and my whole body reacts with the need to curl against him and surrender to it. My skin tingles. My damn toes curl in my boots.
But as he lifts his head and I catch that hungry gaze again, it all comes crashing back.
This isn’t why I came here.
“I need to tell you something,” I blurt, pressing a hand to his chest.
His eyes dart between mine briefly, like he’s trying to figure out how serious I am. Then he nods, taking me by the hand and leading me into his kitchen, his only seating area other than his bed. He pulls out a wooden chair for me and gestures to it.
“Talk to me,” he says as he sits in the chair beside mine. His gaze is steady, his posture relaxed.
Like pulling a splinter, I tell myself. “I enlisted so that I can go to the front and find Saela.”
For a moment, he doesn’t react at all. He’s completely unmoving, still staring at me steadily. I start to wonder if this is worse than if he’d immediately pointed out my recklessness. The not knowing is punishing.
And then he shuts his eyes and sighs deeply. His hand lifts to pinch the bridge of his nose, and despair radiates from him in waves. And no, this is definitely worse than the silence.
“Oh, kitten. What have you done?” He opens his eyes again and levels me with a look filled with both love and heartbreak.
My vulnerability turns me into an asshole. I bristle instantly. “I had to, Lee.” My voice is as sharp as a knife. “No one isdoinganything. Someone has to be down there who cares about the missing kids, who will look for them.” My hand clenches into a fist. I hate this. “It’sSaela. How can you not understand that?”
The question sounds like an accusation, but Lee doesn’t lower himself to my level. The injured fondness in his eyes doesn’t waver, even as I try to bite his head off.
“I do understand,” he tells me. And just like that, I’m not angry any longer. Because the way he said it, I know he meant it.
Lee takes another deep breath and leans back, letting his arm rest on the table beside us. His long fingers scratch absently at the wood grain. Then his face pinches slightly. It looks like pain. Or guilt, maybe. Frustration. Some mix of foul feelings.
“If I could, I would go in your place to find her,” he says finally. Quietly.
