“Sorry,” I mumble to Lee. “I’ll be back soon.”
Then I half-lead, half-carry my mother out of the room.
“Curses upon you! You hear me?” My mother is still ranting as I pull her away.
Behind me, I hear Saela rise to grab a rag for the floor. I’m scared to turn and look at Lee’s expression. He’s always been kind about my mother’s health, but he’s never seen her at this level before.
I guide my mother through the short hallway to her bed, and thankfully she gets into bed without a fight, slipping between the sheets, her face expressionless.
“Mother,” I start, but then I don’t know what to say next that might make a difference. “Here, let’s get you your medicine,” I say finally, grabbing the vial from the stool next to her bed that serves as a bedside table.
The viscous syrup smells vile, bitter and sharp. I can’t imagine what it must taste like, but my mother takes the spoon from me obediently, rolling to face the wall once she’s swallowed it down, still murmuring names and curses under her breath.
I sit softly on the mattress next to her, wincing at the lumps—we should have replaced the mattress a long time ago, but we haven’t had the money for it.
Carefully, I lift my hand, smoothing it down my mother’s arm, repeating the action until her tension eases, her breathing stabilizes.
As I do, I try to calm my own breathing, repeating to myself over and over that she cannot help it, she did not choose to be this way. Some days, I need the reminder—and now is most definitely one of those moments.
More than anything, there’s a sting in my chest—the painful knowledge that I was foolish, hoping for a “normal” evening.
This is our normal now.
I douse the lantern and tiptoe out, not wanting to rouse her, hoping she’ll stay asleep and leave us in peace for the rest of theevening. I hate myself in that moment, for wishing my mother away, but I shove the feeling aside.
Hesitantly poking my head back into our house’s main room, I see that Saela and Lee have left their stew abandoned on the table, half-eaten. They’ve pulled two chairs together and Lee is reading to her from a legend about lovelorn gods. She’s snuggled underneath his comforting arm, engrossed in the story.
I stand there watching for a few moments, leaning into the doorframe. Lee’s eyes flick up to mine, and his steady gaze says everything—he’s not running away from us, not even after that display.
The tension in my chest eases, and I walk across the room to take a seat on the floor at their feet.
“Meryn does the best voice for the goddess,” Saela says proudly. “Meryn, you read this next part!”
“Alright, but just one more chapter and then you need to finish your studying and go to bed,” I say, laughing at Saela’s groan.
“The goddess was locked in the tower, and nobody knew she was there,” I begin, the words of Saela’s favorite story familiar in my mouth. “She knew that if she was going to escape, she’d have to find a way to do it herself…”
After Saela’s in bed,I lead Lee outside to say goodnight and he turns to me, his face serious. Snowflakes drop on his creased brow. “Meryn, how often does that happen?”
I sigh, leaning my head against his chest. His hands trail up and down my arms. “The delusions? Every day.”
Lee’s hands tighten around my biceps, and I look up into his eyes. “I’m not talking about the delusions and you know it.”
Swallowing hard, I avert my gaze. The woman in there—the one who tried to hit me—wasn’t my mother. I’ve been transparent with Lee about her struggles and he’s seen them first-hand many times, but I’ve never told him about how she gets violent. Putting it into words has felt like a betrayal of the mother I knew.
Maybe it’s time to accept that the mother I knew is gone.
And then there’s the other thing I’ve been hiding from him, the part that tortures me in my dreams. How my grandmother had this madness too, and her mother before that. How the madness runs in my blood, lurking in the shadows, waiting to drag me down into its depths.
“I have it under control, as you saw,” I mumble.
“I’m not worried about you.Obviously, you can hold your own. But what about Saela? It’s not safe for her here. What if something happens and you’re not around?”
Frustration sparks in my veins. I look back up at him, trying very hard to fight down the tears that are pricking at the back of my eyes. I know he’s right but…
“What am I meant to do, Lee? Leave my mother to fend for herself? Take Saela to live elsewhere? How can I pay for two places at once? And who will watch after my mother if I’m not here?”
“Come live with me,” he says. “I’ll take care of you two. Your mom can stay here and we’ll check in on her regularly.”
