For a few meager breaths, I truly felt like Ibelonged.
I felt like I was a part of a bigger whole, like I had purpose, like I was connected and grounded.
I never felt that way growing up in Eastern, fighting alone.
But then the voices came, dragging me back into isolation and fear.
As I step inside the castle and start towards our quarters, the fear won’t leave me. I think the episodes are getting worse. More frequent. I have no idea how I’m supposed to maintain the intricate mental connection required for the Trials when I can’t even trust my own mind.
It’s not myfaultthat the world turned to blood and terror.
“Anassa,” I whisper over the bond, hugging myself as I walk.
There’s a sensation like rolling over in my mind, and her attention’s on me.
“Did you sense what happened back there?”I ask.
“Be specific,”she orders.
“I saw things. Heard things,”I tell her. She responds with silence.“I know you’re only supposed to get my thoughts and feelings through the bond but… can you sense what I sense when I’m experiencing it?”
A shiver of confirmation reaches me. A yes. Strangely, it makes me feel less alone.
“Then can you stop it?”I ask.
“No. I cannot,” she replies. My heart falls instantly as I shuffle towards my room.“And moreover, I would not.”
I let her sense my shock.
“Visions like the ones you are experiencing are powerful. They may mean something,”she tells me.
“Yeah, it means I’m losing my mind!” I snap aloud, fractures of anger cracking through the bond.“And my inability to stop it might get us both killed,”I add venomously.
Anassa is unimpressed with my display of emotion.“Will you listen to me?”
I pause, surprised by the calmness in her voice. It wasn’t an accusatory question. It was honest. My muscles unwind, and I nod.
“We have more power over our minds than we realize. You need to focus on our connection when you’re on my back. Do not let your mind wander. Breathe deeply and open your mind to the power that runs through you.”
Her words resonate through my consciousness, but I still feel lost. Avoiding my mind’s wandering is harder than it sounds.
I keep feeling it slip through my grip and disappear into that terrifying, distant place my mother inhabits.
But I know she’s trying to guide me. Genuinely trying. More power over my mind than I realize, she said. I can’t just ignore her wisdom. She’s centuries older than me andlives in this strange world of telepathic connection and shared consciousnesses.
If Anassa thinks I can take control, I have to try. Try harder.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Improving my connection to pack unity over the weeks leading up to the Purge Trial is like being told to carry a weight in one of my hands and to never let it drop. Sometimes, I can forget about it. Other times, I have to adjust how I do something to make room for it.
And always, it’s exhausting.
Every training exercise we run, every time I need to prove my ability to hold the connection, I end up with a blistering headache.
But then training stops, and I can breathe again, and in those moments between: there’s Killian.
At night, I make my excuses to my friends, and I seek him out—in his quarters, or in mine. I’ve gotten used to the path to his rooms; I’ve never strayed off of it again, or found that strange carving, and I try to ignore the possibility that I hallucinated it entirely.
