My stepmother gave me a quizzical look, as if to say,Wasn’t that almost a decade ago?
“I know I was a total beast to you back then,” I kept going. “And I’m embarrassed to say that I’m not much better now. The things I’ve said to you over the past couple months…” A lump formed in my throat as I searched for the right word. “Well, I’m surprised you still haven’t stuck a bar of soap in my mouth.”
We both fought a laugh. Annie used to have one threat when babysitting Maisie and Bryce; whenever they misbehaved, she’d say, “If you do that again, I’m going to wash your mouth out with soap!” (It was apparently a line she’d picked up from my great-grandmother.)
Erica neither thanked me for my apology nor told me it was okay. Instead, she said, “I understand I will never be your mom, Olivia, but I’ve never tried to be.”
“I know,” I said quietly, because I did.
“Then what am I doing so wrong?” she asked. We slowed at a break in the sidewalk, waiting for a couple cars to pass before we crossed. “You obviously find something about me terrible, but even after racking my brains, it’s still not clear to me.”
My pulse pitched, not wanting to touch that with a ten-foot pole. No matter how nicely I phrased my problems, I couldn’t tear into Erica like that. My dad would never forgive me.
“Really,” she pressed. “Tell me, Olivia.”
She sounded desperate, like this had kept and still kept her up at night, but we passed three more mailboxes before I musteredup the courage to speak. “The Christmas card,” I said as Swede barked and wagged his tail at the corgi watching us from his fenced-in yard. “Every year, the Christmas card is signed ‘The Lupo family and Olivia.’”
Erica furrowed her eyebrows. “I think I did all our names last year,” she said. “Christian, Erica, Maisie, Bryce, and Olivia.”
I didn’t point out that I was last, despite being the oldest. That wasn’t really the point. “No.” I shook my head. “I mean, Ifeellike that’s how it is. I feel like you four are a family, and I’m just there.” I swallowed and continued, not giving her a chance to speak. “And that youcan’t waitfor me to leave. I didn’t even ask for the biggest bedroom when we moved to Haddonfield, but you told me I couldn’t have it. You said Bryce and Maisie were going to live here the longest, so they deserved the biggest rooms. And you gave me a full-on freaking luggage set for graduation last year.”
“I did, didn’t I?” Erica grimaced. “Yikes, I didn’t realize how any of that came off. You know Maisie has way too much stuff, and I thought Bryce needed the biggest room because he’s the only boy and needs his own space.”
I sighed. “Why didn’t you say that?”
“Because it’s a cliché, and I worried that you would roll your eyes at me. You were already so bitter about the move.”
“Hey, I didn’t put up a fight!”
“No, you didn’t, but it was all in your body language.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. I guess I’d been so focused onkeeping my sarcasm and facial expressions in check that I’d forgotten about everything else. I really didn’t mind moving; it was thereasonwe were moving. Away from Annie.
“And the luggage…” Erica laughed. “Olivia, you werealwaysdrooling over Annie’s European luggage. Your dad and I weregiddywhen we ordered your set. We thought we’d knocked it out of the park!”
“I didn’t say I didn’t love it,” I murmured.
“I don’t have some diabolical plan to push you out the front door and lock it behind me,” she went on. “I’m just…” She sighed and took Swede’s leash from me, wanting to walk him. “I’m just trying to help launch you the best I can—or guide you, or justsupportyou. Your dad is away so much, and as heartbreaking as it is, Annie is no longer the most capable North Star.”
“Is it?” I asked, voice brittle. “Heartbreaking?”
Erica stopped in her tracks; Swede strained against his leash. “Are youreallyinsinuating what I think you’re insinuating?”
My heart hammered. “No,” I told her. “I know you care, Erica. I know you love Annie so much.” A lump formed in my throat. “But you’re keeping it all bottled up, and maybe you think that’s best…” My voice hitched. “I want to know that I’m not the only one so completely gutted by this.”
Erica didn’t say anything, but I blinked to see her bottom lip quiver. I’dneverseen that happen before, and I suddenly felt badly that we were in public, standing on the sidewalk just outside of town. “Someone needs to stay strong,” she said. “I need to bethere for your dad and the twins…and you, if you’ll let me.” She wavered. “But of course I’m a mess, Olivia. Annie was—is—more than my mother-in-law. She gets me and has always been there for me. I’m sure it took you approximately thirty seconds to notice that my parents don’t understand, or try hard to understand, what I do for a living. Beth and Jay too. While Annie…” She shook her head. “We spoke every day about my work. What I’m most passionate about, how to appeal to multiple age demographics, which business opportunities are worth taking and which I should pass on. She taught me everything I know about flower arrangements, and she is a wonder at seasonal tablescapes and light hors d’oeuvres. I wouldn’t be where I am without her, and to lose that special collaboration feels a little like losing a limb.” Two tears escaped, trailing down her cheeks; she didn’t wipe them away. “Not to mention, she welcomed me withsuchopen arms when your dad first introduced me to her. I worried so much about pleasing her, worried about proving that I was good enough for her widowed son.” She sighed. “That fear disappeared the moment I met her.”
I didn’t have any words, and I had an inkling that she didn’t want me to make things more dramatic, so I just took her hand and squeezed it. “Should we turn around?”
“No.” She squeezed my fingers back. “Let’s go a little farther.”
We shared a smile then resumed walking.
* * *
I asked about her scrapbook pages on the way home. “What did you end up doing?”
“I was going to do a collage of my parents and their dogs over the years,” she said, pulling her hair into a ponytail. “But before I could, we opened up the scrapbook to the rest of the family and Finn and Teddy pre-empted that stroke of genius, with some help from Connor.”
