Oh, I realized when his shoulders just barely slumped. He was disappointed.
Here I was leaving, and we had no plan for what came next.
Because he wanted something to come next; he wanted afuture.
“Connor.” I sighed. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Just say you’ll call me tonight and have dinner with me next month,” he said, taking a step toward me.
Okay, I thought, because that wasn’t much. He wasn’t asking for much. He wasn’t asking me to marry him, let alone be his girlfriend. But I knew he saw that on the horizon.
“Why do you even like me?” I whispered, my insides twisting.“I’m not her, Connor. I’m not the girl of your dreams, not theOlivia Lupoof your dreams.” I swallowed hard. “Mads told me—”
“A joke,” he cut in. “Mads—who I plan to murder, by the way—told youa joke. There is no Olivia of my dreams.”
My eyebrows knitted together.Huh?
Connor sighed. “I’ve dated a lot and had a couple serious girlfriends. Like Mads says, I’m a serial monogamist. And I like being that way; I like having a girlfriend.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “But all those relationships have ended, and most of them didn’t tear me up too much. Mads and I would laugh and say it was because Kaylie or Brenna or Dani or Leah wasn’tOlivia. It didn’t last because she wasn’t Olivia.” His voice quieted. “I haven’t ever fallen in fucking love because no one has been Olivia. Not evenMadsis Olivia.”
Oh,I thought.
My stomach sank, starting to get it. Connor hadn’t spent the last several years pining after me specifically; no, he’d been yearning for…
“I had the biggest crush on you at Camp Skytop,” he said. “I looked for you between every activity and at every meal and counted down the hours until phone time not only to beg my mom to come get me, but also for my promised face time with you.” He shook his head. “I loved watching you talk on the phone; your facelit upas soon as someone in your family picked up.”
Olivia!I could hear Annie’s voice, even now. Music to my ears.Dearest, tell me everything…
“All you remember about me is my freckles and Red Sox jersey, because the thought of talking to you tongue-tied me. Literally. If you asked me my name, I guarantee I wouldn’t have been able to tell you.”
“Maybe not,” I told him. “But your name tag would’ve been your wingman.”
One side of Connor’s mouth tugged up in a smile. We’d been required to wear pins for our entire Skytop session. “I’ve never again blanked like that with a girl,” he said. “But god, I wish I would. I’ve always hoped someone would make me forget my name like Olivia Lupo.” His blue eyes held mine. “Who I truly never imagined getting a second shot to introduce myself to, as melodramatic and daunting as that most definitely sounds to you.”
I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t speak; my heart had lodged itself in my throat.
“You think I don’t know you.” He shrugged. “Maybe I just don’t know you at your best.” He moved forward to take my hands. His calloused palms started to soothe my shaking fingers. “But I’ve absolutely gotten glimpses of the real Olivia, and all I know is that I love being with her. She’s funny and caring; she’s smart and so loving. She has the best laugh, and I feel like I can talk to her about anything while being totally tongue-tied.” His eyes clouded. “Our timing must not be right, though.”
Is it ever going to be?I wondered. Because even if I spoke or FaceTimed with Connor every day until he got home, who knewwhat next month would look like. I didn’t know how intense Annie’s recovery would be, but I knew every fall left her weaker.
And we would both be leaving for college in mid-August, which would be a big deal for both of us. The two Homebodies. A relationship just seemed like something we couldn’t fit on our plates, no matter how much we might want to.
I could barely look at Connor when I told him that. Logic that sounded like lies. The corners of my eyes stung. “You know you can shift things around on your plate,” he said. “You can move the mashed potatoes to make room for stuffing, especially when the stuffing isthis good.”
I laughed a little, letting the tears loose.
“Liv!” I heard my dad call as Connor wiped them away, thumbs brushing across my cheekbones. It made the backs of my knees go weak. “You just about ready?”
“Be right down!” My voice nearly cracked. I was nowhere near ready.
Connor exhaled a deep breath, sparking my pulse. “I hope Annie is okay,” he said, hiding his hands in his pockets. “Please tell her I say hi.”
“What did you talk about?” I asked, remembering the time he’d stolen my phone.
“Flowers,” he said. “She told me about her hydrangeas. She’d cut them herself, from Erica’s bushes. They were blue at first, then turned white overnight. I told her they sounded beautiful.” He smiled sadly. “And then we talked about you.”
Twenty-five
After disembarking the ferry, my dad and I only stopped once on the way home. Swede—seemingly fine with his vacation being cut short—was pretty vocal about his need for a bathroom break. We grabbed coffee after hitting the rest stop’s bathroom ourselves, then we were back on the road. I put on my dad’s favorite playlist, but he didn’t drum along on the steering wheel like usual. We both stayed silent with our thoughts. Mine circled around Connor…
