I didn’t respond, because Luke was there now. He dropped downnext to Nina with only a mug of coffee.Look at me, I willed him.God, please look at me.
He didn’t, but I kept looking at him until I saw Nina reach out and touch his cheek.What happened?I knew she was asking, and my heart lurched—back to Saturday night, in the woods. It was like someone else had taken over my body. “Sorry,” I’d blurted after shoving him off the trail, clumsily switching on my phone flashlight while I glanced over my shoulder to make sure Paddy and Val hadn’t heard anything. “It was an accident.”
Luke had silently picked himself up off the ground. “I’m bleeding,” he said, voice devoid of anything. It made the hair on my neck stand up.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, moving close to see how badly the branch had swiped him. “It was an accident.”
“No, it wasn’t.” He backed away from me. “No, it fuckingwasn’t.”
“You’re right,” I whispered an excruciatingly long second later, because Luke and I didn’t lie to each other. “I’m really sorry.”
And it had been all downhill from there.
For the next week, and the one after that, I didn’t hang out with anyone after sports and dinner. I shut myself in my room and tried to dare myself to do it—call Mom and Dad and tell them. Some nights I practiced first, after pacing for an hour. “I have something to tell you guys,” I said to a family photo on my wall. “You’ve probably noticed I’ve been acting weird, and that’s because I’m…”
But I could never actually say it—my ears started ringing before the buzzword, like they always did. “Now that’s Charlie, right?”I’d overheard Party Guest #1 ask Party Guest #2 at this year’s Hardcastle Christmas party, while I waited for a drink at the living room bar. They were a few yards away, sipping glasses of wine.
“Yes.” The first woman nodded. “He is personality-plus and apparently always has a girlfriend, but for some reason, Whitney suspects he’s gay.”
“Oh,” the second woman said as I leaned against the bar, the ringing noise overwhelming. “Well, I wonder how Jay and Allison feel about that…”
Thatwas what scared me shitless—I had no idea how they felt, orwouldfeel. Because I couldn’t remember them doing anything but laughing off Aunt Whit’s probing questions, and we weren’t friends with anyone like me. Sage’s uncle, but not really. We’d never met. I knew they weren’tagainstit, but I figured it was different when it was their own son.Would I still have to call Luke my friend?I wondered.Even if they knew?
It was a total shot in the dark.
“So does the condo sound good to you?” Dad asked. It was around 10:00 p.m., and he’d picked up before I bailed on the call. First, we’d talked about his Valentine’s plans with Mom, and then about Granddad needing a hip replacement.
“What?” I jumped a little, Post-it Notes scattering. I usually hid them in my desk, but tonight I’d spread them out on my bed—all in Luke’s handwriting, from whenever he’d been in my room. The one I was holding said:You are my entire heart.
I loved how sappy Luke got on paper.
“Turks and Caicos,” Dad said. “Theo’s invited us down for your spring break.”
“Oh, cool.” I bit the inside of my cheek.
“Yup, we’re thinking deep-sea fishing.”
“Awesome.” My voice caught.
Because last month Luke had asked me to come to Grosse Pointe for break. “Come home with me,” he’d said after we opened a chocolate chip cookie-filled care package from his mom. “I want you to meet my family.”
But obviously, it wasn’t an option now. I collapsed back against my pillow—I missed him so much, it was crippling. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. Every night I fell asleep by holding my own hand, pretending it was his.
“Oh, listen,” Dad said, “I’ve gotta run. Mom wants to watchTop Chef. Anything you need me to tell her?”
My chest clenched.Yeah, there is, Dad. I can’t go fishing because I want to meet my boyfriend’s family. And you didn’t hear wrong:boy-friend. Because I’m—
“No, nothing,” I said before the ringing could start.
My body was in knots when I woke up the morning of Valentine’s Day.5:15 a.m.,my phone read.Why can’t you do it?I tossed and turned.Why can’t you just fucking do it?
So maybe because I knew he was still asleep, or maybe because I was aching for him, I texted Luke:I’m not as strong as you.
Ten seconds after I hit send, my phone buzzed:
Yes, you are.
CHAPTER 36
