“How is the school going to deal with it? He’s not even a student there anymore. They expelled him.”
“I told them that,” he said, arranging the logs and lighting a newspaper to get the fire started. Soon orange flames started to rise, and the pale, icy landscape around us took on warmer tones. I reached my hands out toward the bonfire, and soon the heat had warmed my bones. I felt good at last, and even better when Thiago went inside to make us a couple of cups of coffee, then came out and sat next to me. It was a subtle move, yet I couldn’t help but notice he was finally trying to get close to me.
“Here,” he said, handing me a mug. I cupped it in both hands and took a sip, feeling it warm me up on the inside.
“Thanks,” I said, not taking my eyes off the fire.
“Kamila, I don’t like this any more than you do, believe me,” he confessed, and I could feel his eyes on me. I didn’t turn, because I knew if I did, and I saw his face so close to mine, I would do something stupid, something that could only make things worse.
“He was my boyfriend. He was my best friend…” I said, already knowing how Thiago would respond.
“Heismy brother,” he affirmed, letting me know this was harder for him. He and Taylor were family.
“You think I don’t know that?” I asked, my voice getting louder. I got up and walked away, hugging myself. “I’m the worst person in the fucking world!” I shouted to the trees. Feeling the chill in my bones, I walked back to the fire.
“Come here,” Thiago said gently.
We were together. This was our chance—fleeting as it may be. There was no one on the other side of the door, no one about to arrive, no one to interrupt us, and being together was no longer forbidden. And yet, I told him, “I can’t.” I didn’t even feel capable of looking him in the eyes. I covered my face with my hands and began to cry. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t hold back. Not anymore.
For months, everything had been going wrong. Nothing had worked out. Everything I wanted to go one way inevitably went the other way.
Thiago hugged me from behind, and I melted into the soothing warmth of his big, strong arms.
His embrace.
What better shelter was there?
I turned around and hugged him tight, taking refuge in his body, letting him warm me up. It was just the two of us in this moment.
“There’s nothing wrong with loving, Kamila,” he whispered in my ear. “And that’s something you’re good at: loving. You wouldn’t be in the position you’re in if you didn’t have so much love to give. Who can hold that against you?”
“It’s wrong to love two people, though… It means there’s something wrong with me.”
He cupped my cheeks and lifted my face until I was looking him directly in the eyes. I had to blink a few times before I could see through my tears, but at last, when I focused on those bright-green eyes, I knew what he was saying was true.
Green eyes. Blue eyes.
I loved them both.
Was I in love with both of them?
“There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just human,” hesaid, wiping away my tears. “I’m only human, too, and I can tell you love is complicated. It’s hard. You can love and hate someone at the same time. You can want them and wish you’d never see them again; you can be happy and sad at the same time; you can be furious and full of joy…”
I realized something right then.
Sure, you can love two people. But I only wanted to love one.
And that person was him.
I was absolutely certain of it.
He was the one who awakened things in me no one else could.
Thiago was the only one whose kisses made me want to die, whose simple presence made me want to live… Fuck! Loving someone the way I loved him wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t good, not for me and surely not for him.
Could Thiago love me the way I needed? Could I give him the place in my heart he deserved?
“Spend the night with me, Kam,” he asked me, and his lips grazed my cheeks, red from the cold. “Stay here, share the heat of your body with me, just give me that, and afterward, you can decide what you want to do… I promise I won’t interfere… I won’t tell you what to do, I’ll accept whatever decision you make, but I deserve one night…just one night.”
