Chapter SixteenKami
I went with Taylor to his room. He wouldn’t stop insisting, and I just couldn’t say no. It seemed wrong knowing that Thiago was just across the hall, but I needed to be with someone who could offer me a sense of peace and security, and nobody was better at that than Taylor.
Even before we’d gone to the station, he had hugged me and calmed me down. My mother had seen us and had to acknowledge him. Unlike her, Taylor had been polite—even nice—despite what had happened in the past. That made me love him a little bit more. He was someone who knew how to put his own issues aside, especially if it meant making me happy.
And I knew that was something Thiago could never do. He still blamed my mother for everything—he would never agree to being in the same room with her. For him, the loss of his sister was still my family’s fault, and that would always come between us, no matter what he said.
I sat on Taylor’s queen-size bed and fell back onto the mattress. The ceiling was still sprinkled with the glow-in-the-dark stars I’d given him one year for his birthday. “Remember how hard it was to stick them up there?” I asked.
“What?” He was taking off his T-shirt and putting on a pair of comfy track pants.
“The stars,” I said, pointing up.
“Oh, yeah,” he replied, as if he’d forgotten they were there.
“It took us two whole afternoons. Remember, we had a ladder up here and you fell off?” I smiled, admiring his body. He’d come over to sit next to me.
“Do I remember?” he asked, pointing at his front teeth. “Thank God they were my baby teeth.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Lie down with me now, and let’s look at the stars,” I said softly, and he did. When he turned off the bedside lamp, their yellowish glow was the only thing we could see.
“It’s funny how sometimes, as lovely as something might be, we stop noticing because we get used to it, even though it’s right in front of our noses.” As I said this, I kept thinking about that beautiful spring day when we were kids and something as silly as sticking plastic stars to the ceiling could fill us with happiness.
“Is that what it’s like with me, Kami? Have you gotten so used to me that you just look right past me?”
I felt a stab in my heart, and I turned to him.
“Why do you say that, Taylor?”
“I’ve seen how you look at him,” he responded, and I froze. “And he looks at you the same way. Don’t deny it, OK? I know there’s something between you two.”
“Taylor, I…”
“It makes me so mad I want to walk across the hall and kill him, Kami, and he’s my brother! After Mom, he’s the person I love most in this world. But when I’m with you…”
“Taylor, I love you,” I said, grabbing his face and turning it toward mine. But I didn’t deny his accusation. And that didn’t pass unnoticed.
He shook his head and then looked straight at me.
By then my eyes were used to the darkness, and I could read the feelings on his sweet face. The face I wanted to see as soon as I woke up when I was a little kid, the same face that made me feel so calm, so at home.
“Tell me to love you and I will. No hesitation, no more insecurities,” he said, his voice so serious that any other thoughts on my mind disappeared. I was entirely focused on Taylor. “Tell me to love you and I’ll follow you anywhere. But first, tell me I’m the only one you want to love you.”
My heart started racing. My feelings flew out in every direction, as if I was levitating, and I felt my mind ordering me to clear things up once and for all, to accept what I had, let myself be happy.
The image of Thiago flashed in my mind. I loved him too, but we’d never be happy. I could never be happy with someone who hated my family. Someone who still blamed me, in part, for his sister’s death. The brother of someone else I loved. My boyfriend, Taylor.
If things ended with Taylor, they would end with Thiago. That was an undeniable fact. I couldn’t just be with one and then the other, trying them on like outfits. That wouldn’t work, and I could never forgive myself for doing it.
Was it selfish to stay with one because I didn’t want to lose both?
Was it selfish to give Taylor a chance when my heart was divided and I could never stop feeling what I felt for his brother? Was it selfish to love him so much and love another person the same or more? Was it selfish that it didn’t matter to me because I needed him by my side?
Yes, it was. And yet I whispered his name, “Love me, Taylor.” I brought my lips close to his and said, “Love me because you’re the only person who knows how.”
For a moment, we held back, inhaling each other’s breath, and I could sense all the contradictions in his head. It wasn’t easy for him to ignore everything he saw between his brother and me.
I promised myself I would never again show any emotion for Thiago. I would keep my feelings to myself. It was Taylor who deserved me, who deserved my love, my affection…I slid on top of him. He could read the intention in my eyes.
