Suddenly it dawned on me that if what we’d done got out, Taylor wouldn’t be the only one upset about it. If the principal heard, Thiago would lose his job, and then what would he do?
“Julian…” I could feel the palms of my hands starting to sweat.
“Relax,” he said with a gentle smile. “I told you, I saw this coming, but you need to be careful, Kamila.” He’d never called me by my full name before, and it sounded strange coming from his mouth, distant. “People hate you now, and they’re not going to like it when they find out you’re hooking up with both brothers—the two hottest guys at the school. Trust me, it won’t make you popular; they’ll use it to tear you down.”
People hate you now…
I looked around.
How had I ended up so alone?
I stood, and Julian took my hand.
“Babe,” he said, stroking my palm, “I’m telling you all this for your own good. I’m not judging you. Fuck, I understand. Who wouldn’t struggle to choose between those two? But you need to watch out…”
“I know,” I said, trying not to cry. “And thanks. I’m gonna go. I’ve got to finish my math homework.” I didn’t wait for an answer. I just turned around and walked out, feeling the stares of the other students on my back like a firing squad taking aim at me.
***
I didn’t want Taylor and Thiago to give me a ride home. As soon as the bell rang, I grabbed my books and ran out. It was a long walk, but I didn’t care. I didn’t even care that it was cold and snowing.
I sent Taylor a message telling him I’d gotten a ride with Julian and that I’d see him the next day, and I took a path into the woods. There was snow everywhere, on the ground, weighing down the branches of the trees, and I was able to admire the beauty of it despite the chaos in my life. The solitude helped me think. To reflect. To try to figure out what I wanted and what I needed.
It was obvious my feelings for both guys were real. But was it normal to fall in love with two guys at once? Was I in love with Thiago? What I felt for him was more physical, a hopeless attraction that made me want to lose control, whereas Taylor… Taylor made me feel all kinds of things. Safe, protected, loved, valued, attractive…Taylor made me feel special, dammit.
What had happened with Thiago was the accumulation of suppressed rage and an intense physical attraction, but all that could fizzle out.
Whereas Taylor… I didn’t want things to end with him. I didn’t want to give him up.
Who was Thiago to make me feel the way he had in the gym? He was worse than I was. But love and attraction didn’t follow any rules.
Everything we’d always been taught wascorrecthad changed now. Traditionally, it was only acceptable for one man and one woman to fall in love. And now look how much things had changed…Women could fall in love with other women, men with other men… Now there was polyamory, throuples, bisexuality. Was it so bad, then, to have feelings for two guys?
I knew I wasn’t a bad person. I’d made my mistakes, but at the same time, how can what you feel be mistaken? Feelings aren’t rational; they know no laws. Feelings are feelings; they exist and that’s that. And there’s nothing you can do to make them magically vanish. Control them, maybe; hide them, sure; but judge them? I wasn’t going to let anyone make me feel bad because I had feelings for two amazing guys. But I wasn’t going to be self-serving and try to justify what I’d done either. I had a right to my feelings, and nobody could criticize me for them, but what I’d done with Thiago had been wrong. Really, what I was doing with both of them was wrong because I was betraying them both: one to his face and the other behind his back.
I hadn’t arrived at any real conclusions by the time I got home, I was just more confused and colder than ever. But that wasn’t the worst thing. Nope, it was the car I saw parked in the driveway.
Please, no.
Even as I stuck the key in the lock, I was hesitant. I could always turn back. I could go sleep in the tree house. I probably wouldn’t freeze to death, right?
“Kamila!” That voice. It was like nails on a chalkboard, and I heard it even before the door opened. “You honestlythought it was a good idea to walk all the way across town in this weather?”
My grandmother. My mother’s mother. There she was before me, with her bleached-blond hair pulled back in an elegant bun, her face stretched tight after who knew how many facelifts, her black pants and her cashmere sweater with those pearls she probably didn’t even take off to get in the shower…
“Grandma,” I said, wanting to run away. “What are you doing here?”
“What do you mean, what am I doing here? Helping your mother, obviously. Now get in here before you catch cold.”
I shut the door behind me, asking, “Where’s Grandpa?” as I looked around.
“Your grandfather couldn’t come this time. It’s just me,” she responded with a frown. “Kamila, your mother’s a wreck. I thought you’d be old enough to start to shoulder some of the burden, but according to her, all you think about is yourself, and you’re acting like a spoiled brat. Did you forget you’re an eighteen-year-old woman now?”
“Grandma…” I said, taking off my jacket, but she interrupted me.
“Don’t you dareGrandmame. I came here to help you crawl out of the black hole your father got you all into, and we’re going to get started right away. To begin with, you will quit your job at that dinky little café.”
I paused on my way up to my room. “I won’t, but thanks for the suggestion,” I said, unable to believe I was stuck there arguing with a version of my mom from the 1980s.
