“Oh, whatever, I don’t give a shit about her name.” I fell silent for a moment. “I hate this.”
“You hate what?”
“This,” I said, pointing back and forth between us. “Me being with your brother. I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t…”
“You shouldn’t what?”
“I shouldn’t want to be with both of you!”
It wasn’t until I said it aloud that I realized it was true. Yes: I had feelings for both of them. It wasn’t just a passing infatuation. It wasn’t just a slip-up, or that I was attracted to Thiago. I had feelings for him. And I had feelings for Taylor too.
Thiago’s face was perfectly still. I had no idea what was going on inside him. Was it possible that I was just a plaything for him? Someone to give him a blow job at a fucking costume party?
“I hate seeing you with him,” he finally confessed.
Once more, I froze, taking a deep breath and trying to calm the storm inside me caused by those simple words. “Well, I don’t like seeing you with Maggie.”
“That’s a problem, isn’t it?” He moved closer. He was only a few steps away now. “Thiago…”
“Do you have any idea what it feels like when I hear you say my name?”
“It shouldn’t make you feel anything! Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to tell me, that you feel nothing?” I made sure I was looking him dead in the eye when I said it.
“I’m no good for you, Kamila,” he said, patting my cheek. “And you don’t deserve my brother.”
Those words broke something inside me. Because he was right. Maybe not about whether he was good for me, but as for whether I deserved Taylor…of course I didn’t. “I have feelings for him, though…I really do,” I said. I didn’t know what exactly those feelings were, but there was something about Taylor that…
“To hell with your feelings. You cheated on him. With me. More than once,” he said. “As much as I hate to admit it, I know there’s a part of you that loves him and wants to make him happy, but this isn’t how you go about it, Kamila. What happened the other night…”
“Shouldn’t have happened,” I said, trying to get my thoughts in order.
“But it did happen…and in a way, I think I was trying to push you to see how far you’d go with me. And if my brother hadn’t burst in on us, I know we’d have gone all the way.”
Almost reflexively, I pushed him away.
“Youpushedme to see how far I’d go?”
“Did I stutter?”
“You were pretending with me?”
“Kam, you can’t play both of us. You should just stay away. I’m your teacher. God knows what would happen if anything about us came out. And my brother… He deserves someone who won’t go around giving other guys blow jobs behind his back. Especially his own brother.”
Those words stung. They hurt like daggers plunging into my heart. And I was furious, and the fury blazed, but it also gave me strength, the strength to tell that asshole he’d better watch who he was talking to. I pushed him again, and he grabbed my wrists.
“You didn’t seem to care much about your brother the other night. You were begging for it!”
“Because I’m a piece of shit! I told you I don’t deserve you, and that’s why! Nobody should love me! Not even my brother!”
“I guess that’s supposed to be some kind of justification?”
“Kami, you can do better, I know it,” he said, still holding me tightly. “Prove to me that I didn’t fall in love with the wrong person.”
He didn’t let me say anything else. He didn’t let me push him or punch him or kiss him. Nothing. He let me go, turned around, and walked off.
***
Guilt plagued me as I walked into the cafeteria and saw Taylor. How could I? How could I have just cheated on him like it wasnothing? What was wrong with me? Thiago was right: I was a bad person. I wished he had put it in different words, but he was right. I didn’t deserve to be with Taylor. It was natural for him to look out for his brother. I needed to become someone better. I needed to change. And I would. But could I do it without Taylor?
