He looked at me with no regret whatsoever in his eyes. “I’m in first grade. I don’t know how to do division yet,” he said. That was the kind of nerdy joke he found hilarious.
“Here’s a simple problem for you,” I told him. “One bag of candy equals one full stomach equals one pissed-off Mom when you don’t eat your dinner. But it’s out of my hands now. Do you have any of that fake blood left?”
Cam sat up. “What are you going to do with it?”
“I need to add a touch of horror to my costume.”
“Let me help!” he shouted, jumping out of bed and momentarily forgetting about the rest of the candy. He pulled the fake blood from a box hidden at the back of his closet. God knows what all he was hiding in there.
I laid out my cheerleading uniform on an old sheet on the floor, and my brother and I both looked at it. “Should I feel bad about this?” I asked.
“Let’s ruin it!” Cam shouted. I laughed, and we went at it with the blood and a pair of scissors until it looked like the uniform of a cheerleading zombie. I made a long gash across the belly like a machete wound and some holes in the skirt. When we were done, it looked positively horrifying. It was strange to think this was the fate of the last cheerleader uniform I’d ever own.
“You should cover your face in blood too,” my brother said, and I told him I’d think about it. Was it a metaphor for what beinga cheerleader had meant these last few years, and how glad I was to leave that all behind? Yes, it certainly was fitting.
I left my brother in his room and went to get ready, braiding my hair into pigtails and watching a YouTube Halloween makeup tutorial. I put dark shadows under my eyes and black lipstick on my lips. Where was I going to use black lipstick anyway? I’d probably bought it to shock my mom and then regretted it or just didn’t want to put up with another of her lectures about the kind of makeup a respectable young lady should wear.
I didn’t end up covering my face in fake blood. It smelled gross, so I just dabbed a little on my cheek. Once I was finished, I had to admit I didn’t look too scary, but that wasn’t the point. I was trying to tell people something: one, that there was no way I’d ever rejoin the squad; two, that I hated always having to dress up like my friends; three, that the scariest thing would be returning to my old life, surrounded by people who weren’t actually my friends. I knew Kate would freak out. For her, that stupid cheerleading uniform was sacred. Looking at myself in the mirror, that only made me like it even more.
***
I found Dad in the hallway when I walked out, and when I saw his eyes widen, I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“You look…” he evidently didn’t know how to finish.
“Horrifyingly beautiful?”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I was going to say.” He kissed me on the forehead and stopped to look at me another moment.
“What’s up?” I asked.
His smile faded, and he sighed. “I’m leaving tomorrow, honey.” I could see it was breaking his heart to have to put it into words.
“So soon? But…”
“We’re signing the divorce papers next week. We all might as well get used to the idea that I can’t live with you anymore.”
“Where are you going to live?” I asked, trying to keep him from noticing that I was about to cry. I didn’t want to make it any harder on him than it already was.
“I’ve got a job offer in Chicago. It’s not what I had here, but I’m not in a position to choose right now.”
“Chicago! It’s so far.” I felt a pain in my chest. We barely ever saw him now with all his work trips and his late hours. When was he going to find time to come see us from Chicago?
“Honey, it’s just to stem the bleeding. I’ll keep looking for something closer to home. But there’s only so much work a financial adviser can do in a small town, and I need money if I’m going to untangle the situation I’m in. I promise I’ll come see you whenever I can.”
I looked at my shoes and tried to control my emotions. “I don’t even have a car to drive there.”
“Kami, I’ll come visit as soon as I can.” He forced himself to smile. “Now go to your party. I saw the Di Bianco place on my way in. It looks incredible. Go have a good time. We’ll eat breakfast together before I leave tomorrow. Sound good?”
I nodded just as my mother emerged from my brother’s room. Was she telling him Dad was going, and that we had no idea when we’d see him again?
“Did you give Cameron all that candy?” she asked. She was angry, but so what—she always was.
“Yeah,” I replied, defiant.
“Don’t you use that tone with me.”
“Kamila was on her way out. She’s got a party to go to,” my father said, trying to stop us before we started fighting.
