“Yes! See? There are some things besides boning our dear little Isaac that we can bond over.”
Jack didn’t protest, but he did look me up and down like he was deciding if I was friend or foe.
Isaac’s gaze darted between the both of us before he said, “Do we have any eggs left? I’m starving.”
“I left you four,” I told him. “And I replenished the hot sauce and Capri-Suns.”
Isaac turned back to Jack and gave him a quick hug. “I’m really glad MissCrumpets is okay.” Then he disappeared down the hall to the kitchen.
I spun back around as soon as the coast was clear and whispered to Jack, “How was it? Did I sense chemistry?”
“Who doesn’t have chemistry with me? And the first few minutes of our date were delightful. He was actually really great to have with me at the vet too. The kind of guy who doesn’t try to patch up a shitty situation, but just be present with you.”
I hated that he saw all the good in Isaac. I wanted it to be just for me, which was so weird and selfish.
“But it’s not going to work,” he said flatly. “I’m all for an open relationship or various other arrangements, but I refuse to come in second.”
“Oh.” I nodded. “Yeah, but you can’t blame him for that. Brooklyn was the love of his life.”
Jack rolled his eyes as he shifted MissCrumpets to his other arm without her even waking. She must have been on the good stuff. “No, Sunny, you dickhole! I’m not talking about Brooklyn. As much as it pains me to admit, I’m talking about you. Isaac Kelly has googly eyes for you and you obviously want him back.”
My breath caught in my chest. “But—but he needs a muse and I can’t be that for him. I can barely handle mine and Mr.Tumnus’s emotional stability. Isaac needs—he needs...”
Surely it couldn’t be more obvious to the outside eye how completely unserious of an item Isaac and I were. But then again, I could count on Jack to always tell the truth, and my longtime frenemy would never admit to Isaac really and truly wanting to be with me if he didn’t think that was actually the case.
“He needs you.” And this time Jack’s voice was almost soft. “I’ll tell you what I told Isaac: the muse thing is bullshit. Isaac is writing again and you’re well on your way to finishing this screenplay.”
“How do you know that?” I asked, like it was the piece of information that actually mattered.
“Teddy won’t shut the fuck up about how proud of you he is for selling and writing this thing.”
My eyes burned. Teddy! I’d cheered on my own friends and loved ones so enthusiastically—and happily so—for the last few years that I’d forgotten how deeply fulfilling it felt for someone to be proud of and cheer forme.
And Jack was right. Both Isaac and Iwerewriting. We were truly inspired. But that wasn’t all we had become to each other, was it?
Despite my better sense. Despite what I’d always believed about myself and relationships and things that lasted longer than a few months at a time.
“Listen, I don’t have time to be your own personal Oprah, but just nut up and tell him you love him already. Put you both out of your goddamn misery.”
My jaw hung open wide enough to catch flies—or better yet, snowflakes.
Love?
“I have to go,” Jack said. “MissCrumpets needs to get to bed.”
I think I mumbled some form of goodbye as he let himself out, leaving me with that absolute bomb to unpack. I sat down on the bottom step of the sweeping staircase and Mr.Tumnus darted back down the stairs, the coast finally clear of MissCrumpets.
Love.
It was a word I’d used so often, because I hated the thought of love being like fine china and reserved only for special occasions. I loved Bee and Teddy and Winnie and Luca and all of our other friends, and yes, Isaac too. Of course I loved Isaac, but hearing Jack say it out loud was like finally finding the word that had been on the tip of my tongue.
For the last few weeks, I’d felt myself slipping, and I’d done everything I could to slow myself down before the falling was something I couldn’t stop. It’d been all too easy to feel so good in this life with Isaac, but until this moment, I could never imagine Isaac—or anyone else—counting on me when I could never let myself feel safe enough to count on them. When I could never imagine a future for us that didn’t end with screeching metal and broken hearts.
But it seemed that all the trying and self-preservation in the world couldn’t change the fact that over the last few weeks Isaac had become my person and I loved him. Not in the casual, uncomplicated way that I loved everyone else in my life. But in a tangled, hard-to-let-yourself-feel-all-at-once-because-it-might-hurt kind of way. I loved him in a way that made me a little sad and uncomfortable, because those were both feelings Isaac knew how to sit with and embrace and there was no loving him without feeling the melancholy bits too. And for someone who had spent the last fifteen years constantly moving in an effort to stay two steps ahead of the grief that followed her, that was terrifying.
But I was ready to feel it all.
Imarched right into the kitchen with my head full of too many words I wanted—no, needed—to say. My ADHD brain probably could have benefited from a little list of bullet points, but fuck it. If Isaac wanted me like Jack said he did, then he was getting me, hyperfixated, scattered brain and all.
