I used my toe to nudge at an Edwardian teddy bear that was 98percent dust and 2percent souls of the damned. “I know that.”
“Just making sure,” she said in a voice that mothers everywhere have perfected. TheI’m letting this go but not before I pack all of my reservations into a single sighvoice.
But she didn’t have to make sure. I knew all that stuff—technically. I’d said as much to Sunny in the cemetery today, hadn’t I? It was just that I would never, ever be over Brooklyn, and I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to forget her, I didn’t want to move on, I didn’t want to have the anniversary of her death be just another day when the sun rose and set like usual. And so yes, I did feel lighter, and yes, spending the Day with Sunny sounded... better... than spending it alone, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t still a walking headstone. That I wasn’t one hologram short of a living graveyard.
“It’ll be okay,” I said again. “I promise.”
“You know, maybe if you had your work to lean on...”
I made some noncommittal noises, batting at one of the swinging lightbulbs and making the shadows swell and recede around me. Maybe I was being churlish by not telling her that Ihadgotten something written, but if I told her about it, she’d have the kind of questions that would make me anxious and miserable. She’d want to know how long it would take me to finish the song, and if I had an idea for another, and if the label had heard it, and if I’d already thought about how I’d start teasing my progress to whatever fans I had left.
Funny how Steph and Krysta knowing about the song didn’t feel like that. Even funnier how Sunny could ask me any question she wanted about my music, no matter how fledgling the song was, and I’d tell her anything she wanted to know. I’d tell her everything. But it was such a hassle to argue with Carina Kelly, to push, and to negotiate. Easier to let her think what shewanted to think. What was the point of fighting? We were all going to die anyway. Might as well hold on to as much peace as we could before we popped our clogs.
After my mother talked a bit more about working, and after I made more neutral sounds, we got off the phone. As I hung up, I saw a notification from Steph.
Steph:Teddy and Gretchen want to know if they can use the mansion tomorrow too. Something about the wind making the doorbells tinkle in the house and ruining some shots.
Oh yeah, the doorbells did that sometimes. I responded that it would be fine if the crew came back tomorrow, although I did plan on hidingfor realthis time, and then I checked the messages from the Cat Advisory Text Thread. I’d texted them a picture of James Dugan’s gravestone from the graveyard to keep them updated.
Judy:We’ll find Mrs.James Dugan, no problem. I wonder if her maiden name is mentioned in James’s obituary—or her first name, at least.
Dee:Still working the soldier end with the names you and your roommate found in the library. The county marriage records are a nightmare, and the soldier must have gotten married after the 1940 census, because no luck there either. I’ve got contacts digging through old army records for me to see if we can find widow benefits.
Me:You have contacts who can go through old army records? How?
Dee:Some questions are best left unanswered.
Judy:She’s being cryptic for attention. The records are open to the public after sixty-two years, and anyone can get them if they pay the copy fee.
I went downstairs to find that Sunny was out of the shower and her bedroom door was closed, no light coming from under her door. She was asleep, and I fought a pout all the way to my own bedroom, where I also showered and then climbed into my cold bed and pretended it was totally fine that Sunny wasn’t in here with me. It was totally fine that she wanted to sleep on her own, because that’s what normal roommates did. And if they got cold, they stacked more blankets onto their beds, they didn’t cuddle their roommates, or let those same roommates tuck their abnormally glacial feet under their calves.
This was so normal, and I was fine with it, and I was going to fall asleep so fast because I wasn’t going to be horny or have that weird tight chest feeling I got when Sunny nuzzled against my shoulder—
My bedroom door swung open with a slow creak. Gladness leapt through me, and I looked over with my bestwell, well, wellexpression... and didn’t see Sunny at all. There was no one, in fact, just a wedge of dark corridor.
Oh God, maybe that teddy bearwashaunted—
Thump. Thump.
Reminding myself that it would be a good thing if ghosts were real because then I could make my dead wife watch trash TV with me, I flipped on the lamp that sat on my bedside table. The demonic green eyes of my roommate’s cat flashed at me from the shadows as he headbutted my dresser twice more and then slunk over to the armchair, which he headbutted once and then hissed at, like he was the offended party.
“You already had sustainably caught lobster tonight,go to bed,” I grumbled and turned off the light.
Thump. Thump.
I tried to ignore it, I really did, but after Mr.Tumnus hopped up onto the bed and started headbutting my face, I gave up and turned the light back on.
Mr.Tumnus hissed and leapt from the bed—making sure to launch himself precisely from my nut sack—and then stopped in the doorway. He headbutted the frame.
“I almost wish you were a haunted teddy bear. I’m checking your water dish and then that’sit.”
As it turned out, Mr. Tumnus had plenty of water, along with a smattering of the dry food that Sunny put out between his lobstah dinnahs. I turned off the lights in the laundry room and stood in the cold darkness while Mr. Tumnus headbutted my legs from behind, like he was trying to herd me.
I let him herd me back up the stairs, and then when he headbutted me when I stopped at my door, I decided he had a point. I should go check on Sunny and make sure she was sleeping okay and that her feet were warm enough.
I went to her bedroom and opened the door as quietly as I could. Mr.Tumnus slipped inside with a swish of his tail and then jumped up on Sunny’s bed, blinking at me with his lamplike eyes. Sunny turned over, gave me her own version of thewell, well, wellexpression, and lifted up the covers. I closed the door behind me and went to her in the dark.
I slept like the dead.
