As if the world would be a better, funner, sweeter place for it.
I couldn’t think of something I wanted my baby to have in their life more.
But then I would think of that night in the hospital, of how lonely it felt to be the only one scared, the only one thinking straight, the only oneinthe problem, and my missing Kallum would granulate into something more complicated, something I didn’t know how to put back together.
I’d told him we needed space, but I missed him.
I wasn’t sure if I could trust him, but he might be the best father in the world to our child.
I loved him, but he let me down.
...And maybe it had been unfair of me to depend on him anyway?
I didn’t know what to do with all those contradictory feelings, because what could I do? I couldn’t forget that he had been a giant mess when I’d needed him the most—but also, he’d only been a mess because we’d all been at a function that was mess-appropriate. I couldn’t fault him for partying at a party. But it wasn’t just that he’d been partying at a party, because before that, there’d been the crappy thing he’d said to Teddy, and heck, even before that, there’d been the picture of me asleep in the car. And yes, each thing had extenuating circumstances, but how many extenuating circumstances were there going tobe? How many times would there need to be explanations and apologies?
I didn’t know the answer, and in this case, not knowing the answer was its own answer. No, I didn’t think I could trust him with the scary, hard chaos that came with a baby. The only logical step was to figure out how to bring him into the baby’s life... without also setting us up for failure.
But then why didlogicalstill feelshitty? That was something my therapist had definitely neglected to mention when she’d explained setting boundaries to me.
The door to my bedroom opened, and my mom walked in with a cup of hot peppermint tea and a bottle of artisanal water for me. And, as she had every day since I’d come home, she brought a slice of maple bacon pizza, which was anonymously delivered every day to our house at the same time. We all knew that Kallum was responsible somehow; my parents tolerated it because it was the only solid food I would reliably eat.
Even if it came with a side of extra-messy feelings and miseries and hopes.
“We’re going to have a visitor today,” she said as I sat up and smoothed my hair. My parents had been big on mestaying productiveuntil the bed rest order expired next week, but their idea of productivity was journaling to explore what God wanted me to learn in this time... or reading through movie scripts they wanted me to consider. Since Michael and I had gotten married, they’d been working at the Bachers’ media company, True Vine Studios, doing IP development, and I knew they wanted me to commit to a project with True Vine almost as much asthey wanted me back together with Michael. In fact, two of the scripts they’d loaded onto my iPad were for different versions of aTreasures in Heavensequel—one a direct sequel, and the other a spin-off about the hero and heroine’s children.
I didn’t know much more than that; I hadn’t read them.
“Okay,” I said, accepting the tray with my lunch on it. “I’ll shower and dress after I eat.” I was allowed to move some each day—enough to shower and shift from couch to bed and back again, but not much else. I was due for another ultrasound next week, though, and if the previa had gotten better by then, I’d be able to graduate from Bed Rest University. “Who is it?” I asked.
“An old friend,” my mom replied cryptically, and would say no more.
The old friend turned out to be my old manager, Jackie Lipps, who had unceremoniously fired me not two years ago, and was now smiling up at me like we were old friends.
“Winnie, so wonderful to see you,” Jackie said, standing up and extending her hand for me to shake, which I did automatically before we both sat down. Jackie looked virtually the same as the last time I’d seen her: Short hair dyed chestnut and aggressively styled. Light beige features with too much makeup. A smile so insincere it made my skin crawl. “I’m so glad you agreed to meet with me.”
“I didn’t,” I said honestly. “I didn’t know you were coming until I walked in the room.”
“Winnie,” my father scolded, like I was a teenager with bad manners. But that didn’t work on me anymore. The disapproval, the guilting me into behaving a certain way.
Funny how it had taken less than a week for us to slip back into those old routines.
Jackie’s fake smile didn’t slip a millimeter. “That’s perfectly all right. I know you’ve had a rough go of it these last few months, Winnie. Your parents care about you very much.”
I didn’t answer. They did care about me, I did believe that, but it had always been on their own terms. I’d thought maybe that had changed, that maybe a grandbaby would mean a different kind of love between us, but between the scripts and Jackie’s visit, I was getting less and less certain.
“Now, I know we’ve had our professional differences,” Jackie went on, “and now you’ve found yourself where so many young women find themselves when they stray from their parents’ love.”
I curled a hand protectively over the small rise in my lower stomach, as if I could stop her words from reaching my womb. “Our professional differences were that you fired me,” I said. I hated that her words had the power to make me defensive, but they did.
Jackie sensed it too, like a predator scenting blood on the wind, and leaned forward. “Because I couldn’t help you then. But I can help you now, Winnie.”
“Help with what?” I asked warily.
“We,” Jackie said, looking at both my parents and then back to me, “have found a way for you to move forward from this unpleasantness and give yourself a new chance at the career you’re meant to have.”
My hands tightened over my belly atunpleasantness.I was only just over the worst of the fatigue and the morning sickness;I hadn’t even felt the baby move yet. But I would fight an army for this child. I would cross deserts and climb mountains, and I would definitely throw a Crate & Barrel coaster at Jackie Lipps if she said more awful shit about me and my baby.
“Is this about theTreasures in Heavensequel?” I asked. “Or switching back to the Hope Channel’s usual movies? Because I think that door is shut afterSanta, Baby.”
