As Luca zipped me up, I watched out the window as Nolan was loaded into a van in full costume. “Is he filming today?” I asked out loud before I even realized I was speaking.
“B-roll,” Luca said. “I delivered his costume to the inn this morning for the interview and then Gretchen has him squeezing in a few things with the second unit so he can go home in time for Christmas.”
“Christmas?” I asked, my voice nearly cracking. “Nolan is going home for Christmas?” I was one part sad I’d been excluded from knowing this information and another part even sadderthat I wouldn’t be able to go home myself and see my moms, which sounded so comforting right now that I could cry.
And for maybe the first time ever, Luca said nothing. He simply patted my shoulder and said, “Come on. You look amazing—thanks to me. Now, take a deep breath and channel our lord and savior, Julia Roberts, as we film the second greatest runaway-bride scene in cinematic history.”
“Third,” I said. “My Best Friend’s Wedding. You can’t forgetMy Best Friend’s Wedding.” The movie my moms got into heated arguments over anytime it came on TV. Mom loved it. Mama Pam thought it was manipulative trash.Looks like a rom-com. Feels like a rom-com—until oof! It’s about as funny asTitanic.Mama Pam loved Mom, me, racquetball, and her rom-coms. In that order.
Gretchen buzzed with energy as we filmed, like she’d been struck with inspiration. Brian, whom my brain had affectionately begun to call Not Nolan, was very dedicated to his job and even sank to his knees for one take as I fled the chapel.
We wrapped just as the sun began to slip past the snowy mountaintops behind the church. All the extras were herded out, and the crew made quick work of clearing out all their equipment.
I slumped into the front pew, wedding gown and all.
“Bee,” Luca, a little frazzled, said as he approached. “I’ve got to go deal with all the extras and their costumes, so I can get you out of costume now or... much, much later.”
The idea of standing up in this at that exact moment was too much. “Can you just start the zipper for me?” I asked. “I’ll hang everything up, and you can come by for it in the morning.”
Luca shrugged. “If you’re sure.”
I slumped back against the pew. “I’m very sure.”
He reached over me and pulled the zipper partway down my back before chasing after the crowd of extras surely lined up at the toy shop, waiting for him.
What I didn’t say to Luca and could barely admit to myself was that I wasn’t ready to take the gown off. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to this moment, especially when all I wanted was to share it with Nolan.
“Hey,” Gretchen said as she passed her headset over to Cammy. “You need help with that dress?”
“Nah, the zipper is already halfway down. That’s the hard part.”
She wavered for a moment, and I realized it was only me and her now. “You okay? Did that feel all right to you today? I know we’re moving at a pretty quick clip.”
“It was good. It was great, actually. You really seemed to be in it today.”
Bouncing a little on her toes, she began to smile. “Some days are like that. It’s pretty exhilarating, though. Seeing all these people come together for one common thing, to make something out of nothing.”
“The magic of movies,” I said, and it really was magic. I’d been so wrapped up in me and Nolan that I’d almost forgotten about what I was actually here doing and how in so many ways I was living my wildest dreams. And not only that, but what would come next? Who would I be after the knowledge that I could work in a mainstream movie, and as the leading lady too? Would I go back to porn and ClosedDoors and maybeeven become Nolan’s little secret? That didn’t sound so bad. I loved my career. I loved the people I worked with. I wasn’t ashamed of any of it, but if I could be both Bianca the porn star and Bee the actress, I would in a heartbeat.
But what if that wasn’t possible? What if I had to choose? Or worse yet, what if this was my only shot, and the choice to stay in porn or go mainstream wasn’t even a choice at all? This could very well be my first and last acting gig. And... Nolan... well, sure we could make it work for a little while, but the wall between our two worlds would only grow taller and taller.
“You sure you’re okay in here?”
I nodded as the last of the daylight shined through the stained-glass windows, creating a kaleidoscope on the hem of my gown. “Just first movie feelings and, weirdly, wedding dress feelings.”
She laughed. “Costumes have a way of fucking you up.” Her phone began to ring and she quickly silenced it with a swipe.
“Go on,” I said. “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.”
“Do you want me to leave the lights on?”
“Nah,” I said. The clouds had cleared, letting in plenty of moonlight, and the idea of sitting alone under the dim yellow lights of the church somehow seemed more depressing than sitting alone in the dark. “I won’t be that long.”
She gave me a good look and a final discerning nod before jogging down the aisle and out the door, hitting the lights as she went.
And then it was me alone, sitting a few feet from the altar in this wedding gown that somehow felt like it was a part of me even though I’d never once hoped or wished for a moment whenI might someday walk down an aisle myself and in such a traditional dress. And not in a church. Especially in a church. A porn star with two moms wasn’t often the kind of girl who found herself getting married in a church or even outside of one at all.
Behind me the heavy door to the church swung open, and for a moment there was only a silhouette.
