That’s what it always came down to. It was all I ever wanted in any relationship—for the person I was seeing to not only be with me at night when things were fun and sweaty and full of delight, but to be there in the harsh light of day when there was no hiding from reality. I wish I could go back in time and tell little Bee that the dark was nothing to be scared of and that the hardest things in life usually happened in broad daylight.
And maybe that was all Nolan could or wanted to give me. Those nighttime hours wrapped in bedsheets. But I owed it to myself to find out. And at the very least to yell at him about his stupid phone.
I stood up abruptly. “I need to talk to Nolan.”
“Yes, mama!” Sunny hooted.
I marched over to the door full of determination.
“Oh, Bee?”
I glanced back over my shoulder. “Yeah?”
“Maybe brush your teeth?” She grimaced. “Deodorant might not hurt either.”
I nodded and doubled back to the bathroom.
“And maybe take some lube too,” Sunny offered. “Just in case! Anger is always a motivator for great sex!”
After a quick shower, a change of clothes, and yes, brushing my teeth and applying deodorant, I plugged in my very dead cell phone and, leaving Sunny to her seasonally appropriate embroidery, walked down the hall to Nolan’s room. According to this morning’s call sheet, he should’ve been done shooting his solo scenes by now.
My fist made it through only half a knock before Nolan swung the door open. His drawn expression began to dissolve into relief as he pulled me inside, his arms coiling around me as he held me to his chest and inhaled deeply against the top of my head and my still-wet hair. “I was so worried about you.”
My resolve began to crumble.You’re here to talk, I reminded myself.You are here to talk. And maybe even get a little shouty.
God, his room smelled even more like him than mine did. This was not fair. I was in enemy territory here.
I stumbled back from him and shut the door behind me, locking us both in this Nolan Kowalczk hot-boxed room.
The only chance I had at getting through this was to leave middle school dance levels of distance between us.
“We need to talk,” I said, just as he said, “Bee, I think I need to tell you something.”
“You first,” we said in unison.
He took a breath, and so did I as he motioned for me to talk first.
“Look,” I said as I perched on the armrest of his red velvet love seat. “I know that... whatever we are is casual and... likely to wrap the moment this whole film does and I know that we are a secret. For both of our sakes. But, Nolan, I need you to know that I don’t take promises lightly, and when I was thrown off Whitneigh Houston after your phone rang and that wind rolled through the valley... and then you weren’t even there when I woke up...” I shook my head. I could feel my train of thought wandering, like I was suddenly unsure of what I needed to say or why I was here. I tried my best to shed the onslaught of intense invalidation and soldier on. “What I’m trying to say is that no matter how serious this is or how long this lasts, I need you to not make promises you can’t keep.”
He sat down on the small coffee table in front of me. “Bee, I—I’m so sorry. I don’t want to unload all these excuses on you, because it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t there for you when I said I would be, but I also... I think it’s important you know why I’m here and what’s waiting for me back home. Steph doesn’t want me to tell anyone at all, and I wasn’t going to, but then I thought more about it today, and you have a lot at stake too, and I just feel like I can trust you, and—”
“Wait,” I interrupted him. “What’s waiting for you back home?”
Oh, fuck no. I was already the other woman for plenty of people across the world, but that was different. This was . . .
“My mom,” he said slowly. “And my little sister, Maddie, who’s had to grow up way too fast. They’re all I have, Bee. See, my mom...” He took another breath, then met my eyes with his clear blue gaze. “She has bipolar disorder, and after Dad died, her mental health took a real hit. As a family, we all had to find our new normal without him, and it meant being there for each other, as much as possible. It still means that. Even when I’m here, I need to keep a piece of myself there.”
Waves of sympathy and guilt washed over me in equal measure. I never even took a moment to stop and think what kind of calls he might be fielding. I was so wrapped up in the idea that I didn’t deserve to have him—even in a physical and fleeting way—and so it was all too easy to believe that he was being reckless with his promises and my feelings.
“Oh, Nolan.” My voice came out like a soft breath, and the stiffness in my posture and in my heart began to melt. There had been so many small moments when it felt like his head and heart were in a different place... and that’s because they were.
“It’s fine,” he said a little gruffly, like he was all too used to saying those two words. “But that’s why I need this to work. That’s why I need to rebound enough to get out of the theater tech job that I actually love but pays shit. I fucked up once and lost everything, but I won’t do it again. I can’t. But anyway, that’s what all these calls have been for, and then yesterday, Mom fainted and hit her head in a parking lot. She had to go to the emergency room.”
“Holy shit. Is she okay?”
“Yes,” he said on a tired exhale. “She’s okay and was discharged earlier today. Maddie—well, she’s too young to be as capable as she is, but she did everything she was supposed to. She did all the right things.”
“I’m so sorry, Nolan. This... this is a lot to carry around while on set.”
