My smile falls. “Nothing.”
“We need to talk, Waylon.”
I let out a long groan and bury my head in a pillow.
“I’m tired of this weird, polite silent-but-not-silent treatment you’re giving me. You won’t even yell at me!” She sits down on the corner of my bed. “I’m not leaving until we talk.”
I’m not ready for this conversation. I don’t think I’ll ever be. “So if I say nothing, you won’t abandon me for Georgia?”
She shoves my shoulder. “That’s not fair.”
I close my eyes and inhale deeply, trying not to say something I’ll regret. “What’s not fair, Clem, is that we had a plan.”
“You keep saying, butyouhad a plan, Waylon. It’s always beenyourplan. We were supposed to go to Austin Community College to figure out who we wanted to be and what we wanted to do. But I know those things already. I want to go to engineering school, and I got in. Dad has spent his whole life building and fixing things and now I want to learn how all those things work. I want to know the science and reasoning behind it all. Isn’t that great? I know what I want to do and someone is going to let me doit. Can’t you be happy for me?”
My shoulders sink. “Honestly? I’m having a really hard time with that. I’m not sad that you know what you want to do.” Except... maybe I am. Maybe Clem knowing what she wants not only makes me feel like a failure, but also deeply lonely. “You could have told me this months ago and I would still have had time to make other plans or at least process this. We’ve been connected at the hip for eighteen years, Clem. If you’re going to pull the rug out from under me, you could at least give me a little more warning. Were you just going to leave one day and call me from the road?”
She scoots down the bed toward me, and begins to undo her braids, which is code foryou can play with my hair. “I love being your twin. It’s one of the most important things I am, but we can’t always be Waylon and Clem. Sometimes you have to be just Waylon and I have to be just Clem. Didn’t you ever wonder what your plan would be if it weren’t something that had to work for both of us?”
My eyes well with tears. “No, actually, I hadn’t. I just. I thought it would always be the two of us.”
Her expression softens at the sight of me letting my guard down. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was scared. It was wrong. Everyone told me so, even Hannah.” She grimaces. “I was so scared you would hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” I mutter. “I wish I could. That would be way easier. Instead my stupid, stone-cold heart only cares about a few people and you happen to be one of them. I build up walls, Clem, I know that. But it makes itso much harder when someone inside the wall hurts me, because I’m not in the business of letting people in.”
“Oh, I know all about your walls,” she says with a sympathetic frown.
I sigh so hard my lips sputter. “And now I don’t know where I’m going or who I want to be and I made that stupid video and what if that’s all anyone ever knows me for? What if I’m always that fat gay kid with the embarrassing video who ran for prom queen?”
She loops her arm through mine and leans her head on my shoulder. “You’re Waylon. Before the video. After the video. With me. Without me.”
I was so ready to live our lives out in Austin, but the thought of being there without my Clementine makes me feel like I’m trying to find my footing in a pit of quicksand. “And God, why Georgia?”
She smiles sheepishly, and I immediately know she’s about to drop another bomb. “Well, I was wait-listed at UT, but I also got into the University of North Texas, and then a few others. One in Florida and another in Arizona, but, um, Hannah actually has a full ride at the Savannah College of Art and Design. We’d still be four hours away, but—”
“Oh.” I want to snap back with something pithy, but this hurts a little too much for me to come up with a venomous response. She’s just twisted the knife. It’s not that she’s going somewhere else on her own. She’s going somewhere with someone else. A someone else she chose over me. “What happens if... what if y’all...”
“What if we break up?” she asks smartly, and it’s one of those moments when I can perfectly see the features that make us twins. The pointed nose. The sharp line of our brows. The freckles that won’t quit. “I talked to Mom about that. I didn’t want to go all the way out there and feel like I’d made some huge mistake. But I’m not going out there for Hannah. I’m going out there because it’s the best school I was accepted to and Hannah being nearby is simply a perk.”
I nod silently, studying my hand clutching my sheets.
She touches my wrist. “And maybe I’m making a mistake. But you have to let me make my own mistakes too, Waylon. And speaking of mistakes, I am really, truly sorry about the video. It wouldn’t have gotten out there if I’d been a little more careful. I know Mom always says I’m the glass half full and you’re the glass half empty, but sometimes I wish I could anticipate the worst like you can. It might have saved you from this whole ordeal.”
I look up at her then, and find her eyes watering and her neck and ears red. All sure signs that she feels awful. “It’s okay. We can’t all wield the power of pessimism. It’s a gift and a burden. Besides, what’s done is done, and who knows? This whole experience might not be the worst thing to ever happen to me. Stay tuned.”
“Are we okay?” she asks, her voice cracking. She timidly draws back a little, preparing herself for whatever my answer might be.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just... I feel like this can’t just be magically fixed.” It’s the truth. “It’s going to takeme a while to get over all of this. But I need you. I can’t believe I’m doing this prom queen thing. And with Tucker Watson of all people.”
“Tucker?Don’t we hate him for some reason? Remind me again.”
I can’t help but laugh. When it comes to transgressions against me and the ones I love, I’m like a librarian with a perfectly organized catalog of memories. “Ditched me for a group project, forced a teacher to redesign the seating chart so he didn’t have to sit next to me, and most recently, he shushed me.”
“Ugh, what a jerk.” She says it with extra outrage just for me.
“Thank you. Your loyalty is noted and appreciated.” I pull her close to me for a hug, and even though it doesn’t feel the same as it always has in the past, it feels good.
I really don’t know how to get over this and where to go from here, but Clem and I aren’t just friends or regular brother and sister. Being a twin means being there for each other even when your relationship isn’t fully functioning. I think other people would take some time away from each other and really figure out their feelings, but Clem and I live across the hall from each other and we share a car, so we have no choice but to figure this out as we go.
