A little too loudly, Sam says, “Don’t you worry about the team, sweetie. We’re all rooting for you to take this chance to turn your life around.” She pulls me in for a hug, but my whole body is stiff against her.
“Excuse me?” I whisper.
“We really miss you and all,” she says, her voice hushed. “But we sort of just, like, need you to keep your distance. For the sake of the team.”
I step back, my mouth agape.
“It was so good seeing you,” says Melissa. “You’re looking so much better these days.”
My gaze skips back and forth between the two of them. I don’t know if they started the rumor about me that I heard from those dumbass sophomores, or if that was just a fluke. But either way, Sam and Melissa are doing everything they can to make sure people think I acted alone.
I shake my head furiously. “You know what? You’re both trash,” I say. “And that team is nothing without me. Every time either of you fail, know that I am watching and I am absolutely delighted.”
I don’t even bother with the rest of the attendance slips. I take what I have back to the office and tell my mom I have some monster cramps so she’ll let me hide out behind her desk for the rest of my office-aide period.
I’m done letting this shit happen to me. I’m done lying down and taking it. Not only did Melissa rat me out, but now she and Sam are trying to ruin whatever reputation I have left. But two can play that game.
The last Saturday before the start of every school year is a sacred day in Shamrock history. It is the day that the incoming team captain hosts a massive sleepover for the entire team. On the surface, it sounds like a silly party—the type of thing wet dreams are made of. But in truth, it is the night when new members of the team commit themselves to the Shamrocks and we begin the transition from a bunch of girls in matching costumes into a sisterhood of girls who have one shared goal: to be the best.
Because no good thing comes without sacrifice, every incoming Shamrock is required to commit one secret they’ve never told a living soul to the Shamrock Bible—a five-inch-thick green-and-gold scrapbook. The outside of the thing is hideous. Chipped sequins, years-old chunks of hot glue, stray feathers, and an excess of glitter paint. We stopped trying to make the thing pretty years ago, and these days, we only concentrate on keeping it in one piece.
The Shamrock Bible is the deepest of all Shamrock secrets. It has existed in some form since the team was started in 1979 and contains every rule and routine and a secret from every member of the team. The current Shamrock Bible dates back to 1995.
The night I went to my first Shamrock sleepover, Isabella Perez, a senior, was hosting.
After her parents went to bed, Isabella led us all up to her attic, where she and the other girls lit a circle of candles. I remember feeling like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest.
The entire team sat in a circle. It was the first time I remember being aware of Melissa. She sat next to me. Earlier in the night, she’d been absolutely giddy about her braces coming off the day before school, but now she wasquiet and reverential, even. We all were. For us, this was church.
Isabella spoke of the power of sisterhood and how the Shamrocks were the longest-standing all-female team on the Clover City High School campus. “Singular talent has no place here,” she said. “As of today, you are one piece of a much larger machine, and the only way that machine works is through the power of trust and sisterhood.”
In that moment, I could’ve been joining a synchronized golfing team. It didn’t matter. Whatever she was selling, I was buying. And maybe dance was just the vehicle to get me what I was really hungry for: friends. All my life, my mother had talked about her years as a Shamrock and the friendships she made. Her bridesmaids? Shamrocks. Outside the delivery room while she was in labor? Shamrocks. Holding her hand at divorce court? Shamrocks. Crying tears of joy while I stood by her side at her second wedding? Shamrocks.
Isabella unveiled the Shamrock Bible and began to pass it around. “No feelsy bullshit secrets allowed,” she said. “Hard facts. We want truth. Being a Shamrock comes with lots of benefits. Sisterhood. Eternal popularity. Legacy. But all that comes at a price.”
Sam sat on the opposite side of me, and when it was my turn to write my secret down, she nodded encouragingly and smiled. “At least your secret won’t be lonely. Mine’s just a couple pages back.”
“Can I see it?” I asked.
“Later tonight,” she promised.
“Really?” Melissa asked.
“Really,” Sam said. “Once you commit your secret, the book is yours to devour.”
I was mystified by this one silly fact. Everyone would see my secret, yes, but I would see everyone else’s.
I wrote my secret. Sam and Melissa watched as I did. And then it was Melissa’s turn. When she was done, she passed the book on and said, “You saw that, huh?”
I nodded.
“I guess it’s not a secret anymore,” she said.
“It is,” I told her. “It’s a secret I’ll keep forever.”
It takes me almost a week to pull off my plan. The key was to only make a handful of copies every time I was in the front office. The green copy paper is the kind of thing my mom would notice if suddenly a big chunk of it went missing. But it has to be green. I thought about maybe skimming a little off the top of every color in the copy room, but the green paper is something I feel adamant about.
Millie has noticed I’ve been up to something, too. Yesterday at work, she got a peek at the thick stack of green paper in my backpack.
