Tyler is quiet. And so is everyone else. Even my mom. None of them see what I see. They can’t possibly understand that at the end of the day, it’s me and Hattie. Just the two of us. I would jump into the Grand Canyon for my sister, but there’s something unfair about the fact that by being born her sister, my destiny is predetermined. I will always be a few steps behind her, picking up the pieces and putting them back together again, waiting for my own life to start.
“This baby is coming whether you’re ready or not,” I say. “Andhehasn’t done jack shit since he moved in except beat the highest score on his lame video game.”
Tyler takes the napkin out of his lap and throws it on the table. I can see his ego swelling. “I don’t know where you get off disrespecting me and the mother of my child—”
“The mother of your child? She was my sister long before she was the mother of your child, and—”
“Okay, okay,” Mom says, trying to settle us down.“Everyone, chill out for a minute.”
We eat in silence until Mom turns her attention toward Freddie and me. “You’ve never brought a friend to Christmas dinner before,” she says. “Not that I’m complaining.”
“That’s because they’re not friends,” Hattie blurts.
Well, I guess I deserved that.
An elated squeal comes out of my mom. “Ramona, do you have a boyfriend?”
Freddie looks to me, waiting for my answer.
There is a battle inside of me between my feelings for Freddie and my indignation toward my mother. The idea of hurting Freddie makes me sick. I know what it’s like to be hidden. But I cannot stomach the thought of my mother thinking some boy just came along and turned me straight.
“We... are good friends.”
I try to explain myself to him with my eyes, but he looks away and studies his plate.
I wait for Hattie to call me out, but she doesn’t. She’s a good sister. I’m not.
Merry Christmas to me.
We take the coastal highway back to Eulogy, and Tyler drives to Freddie’s house first to drop him off.
When we pull into the driveway, I get out as soon as Freddie does. “Give me a minute,” I tell Tyler and Hattie as I slam the door behind me.
“Freddie,” I say. “Freddie, wait. Hear me out.”
He turns around but says nothing. His shoulders rise up and down, and the veins in his neck bulge with irritation.
I hold my hands out in caution. “You’re not a secret,” I say. But this all seems so familiar, except that it’s not me on the receiving end this time. “We are not a secret. But coming out to my mom was the hardest thing I have ever done. Every time I see her it’s almost like I’m having to come out all over again, because she just won’t get it through her head that this is more than a phase.”
“So I guess I’m the phase then?” He takes a step toward me and into the stream of light radiating from inside his house. And now I can see all the pain and all the hurt right there written into his freckles. “This is just a phase.”
Carefully, I place a hand on each of his biceps. “Nothing about this is a phase.” I don’t know how true it is, but my feelings for him are too intense to be so temporary. “For my mom, the world is black and white. If she knows I’m... dating a boy, she’ll think I’m ‘cured.’ And that you’re to thank.” I shake my head. “But there’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Does it matter what your mom thinks?”
I shake my head. “Of course not.” But she’s still my mom. My horrible mom.
I see the confusion on his face. “So does this mean you’re bisexual?”
I wish I could just say yes. I wish I could put myself in that box for my sake and his, but I don’t know. For a moment, I think of Grace and how I so desperately wanted answers from her. To know who she was so that I could know what that made us. I feel a brief twinge of guilt, because now I think I might better understand howGrace felt all those months ago.
I don’t know if I’ll ever want to be with another boy again. But what I’m not confused about is this: I want to be with Freddie, and that is the only thing I know in this moment. So I tell him, “I don’t know. I haven’t decided what this means except that I like you. I like kissing you and holding your hand and being with you, but I don’t know that means yet. And that is all I can give you right now.”
The tension in his jaw eases slightly. “Okay,” he says. “That’s okay. But you should know that this isn’t some casual thing for me. I feel... very strongly about you. About us. Viv had me on the back burner for a long time.” He takes a deep breath. “I can’t do that again. Especially not with you.”
His words weigh heavy on me. I’ve seen Freddie have his heart broken. If it happens again, I don’t want it to be my fault.
Behind us, Tyler honks the horn.
