She turns to me. “Can you believe him? The father of my daughter, ladies and gentlemen.” And then she walks into my room and slams the door behind her.
I groan and shuffle my feet all the way to my room before knocking on the door.
Hattie swings the door open as she trips out of her clothes. “Can I borrow a T-shirt?”
I dig through my dresser until I come across a soft one. “Here.”
She pulls her dress off over her head and takes the shirt, but it barely stretches over her belly. Hattie looks down at herself. There’s at least a five-inch gap between the hem and her underwear. “Shut up,” she preemptively tells me.
We climb into bed, and I listen as she tells me all thereasons why Tyler is going to be a horrible dad. Her voice is tiny when she admits the one reason why she can’t let him go. “I can’t help but wonder what would have been different if we’d had MomandDad.”
Me too,I think.
We’re both quiet for a minute. I want to say it: Freddie kissed me and I kissed him back.
My life is balancing on a scale. On one side is everything I hold dear that makes me feel normal. Hattie and Dad, knowing where I fit and that I’m a lesbian, Ruth and Saul, and even my friendship with Freddie. On the other side is the kiss we shared tonight. But all I can think is:I kissed him back.
I wish my life was a game of MASH and that I could close my eyes and draw a spiral to tell me which way to go.
After Hattie falls asleep, I reach down under my bed and grab my chocolate box. I slide the spider ring off my finger and tuck it between a roll of cash and a few folded-up games of MASH for safekeeping.
TWENTY
For the first time since August, I haven’t talked to Freddie in days.
I keep thinking he’ll call me, but then I remember I promised to call him and that the blame here is shared.
This morning, I did my route as fast as I could and sped past Freddie’s house without even looking to see if Agnes was outside in the flower bed.
“Hey,” Ruthie calls while I’m chaining up my bike in front of the main entrance at school, her mom’s car pulling away behind her. She hasn’t said so, but I’m sure she misses having Saul around for rides.
I wave and wait for her to catch up to me. “How was Florida?”
“Boring without Saul. But my grandma did ask my mom if her and my dad were still ‘boinking.’ But then she tried to set me up with her thirty-two-year-old handyman, so that basically ruined any goodwill I had toward her.”
I laugh. “Aw, that’s great.”
She rolls her eyes. “Do you even realize how much moremy house sucks without Saul? My mom keeps buying me all this stuff for my dorm next year, and it’s all pink. Jesus.”
I laugh.
“So what about you? How was Thanksgiving?”
Oh good, Freddie kissed me. I kissed him back. “Good. Uneventful.” And for the first time, I get this twisting knot of guilt in my stomach. As if by kissing Freddie I’ve somehow betrayed Ruth. Ruthie! Of all people. It makes no sense.
As we walk into the main hallway, she points over to the locker bank. “Hey, there’s Freddie and Adam.” She raises her arm to wave at them. “You know, Adam isn’t so bad. I kind of feel like a jerk for never talking to him before he became friends with Freddie. Hey!” she calls to them.
I swat her arm down. “Don’t.”
“What?”
I shake my head. “It’s nothing. We just—I gotta get to class.”
She yanks me away by the wrist. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
I trip along behind her as she pulls me into the library and all the way back to the biography section.
Mrs. Treviño, the new librarian, whose wardrobe is way cooler than I’ve ever seen in stores around here, circles behind us, careful to make sure we don’t mess up her perfectly shelved stacks. “I can you help you girls with the catalog if you’re looking for something.”
