Grace and I talked about her being in the closet a lot, but I never tried very hard to push her. It felt like a violation. And honestly I hated to imagine the contrast between her life here with me and the one she lived back home. I knew there was one boy her mom always mentioned, but Grace never brought him up except to say that she planned on breaking up with him at the end of the summer. It might seem silly now, but when I was with her, it was easy to believe that he didn’t really exist. Or at least that he wasn’t a threat.
“I bet your friends will be excited to see you,” I said a few days before she left as we sat on a bench in front of the beach, with Highway 90 at our backs. Grace was one of those rare people in high school who was friends with all the different groups—nothing like me. She actually looked forward to the first day of school.
Her cheek was hot with summer as she leaned her head against my shoulder. I hoped that there was some piece of her that belonged only to me. A laugh or a smile or a look, even—some little corner of Grace that only I knew. Sometimes when I couldn’t fall asleep, I wondered if she loved me as much as I loved her or if maybe she just loved the person she was realizing she’d been all along.
“Your parents love you,” I said, and kissed the curve of her shoulder all the way to the base of her neck before our lips collided. “You should tell them.”
She crossed her arms over her stomach. “I want to. AndI will. After I graduate, maybe. But I want to have all these good memories first, because... what if things change? Even in the smallest way?”
“Don’t you wish you could be this person all the time?” I asked, trying not to sound pushy. “We could go on dates. Maybe even visit each other for dumb shit like homecoming and prom.”
Knowing Grace’s parents, they’d probably join some kind of club for parents of gay kids and march in pride parades. And if there weren’t any pride parades to be found in Picayune, Mississippi, they’d probably start one.
Grace turned to me. “You don’t get it.” She sounded exasperated already. “You don’t know my life back home. I can’t just show up on the first day of school and tell people I’m gay or bi. It’s not like a new haircut you get over the summer.” She pressed her lips into a thin line, and I could see she was searching for words. “I get that we’re supposed to hate high school, but Ilikemy life. A lot. I like my friends and my classes, and I don’t want to ruin that when I only have a year left.”
I took a deep breath and concentrated on the tone of my voice. “I understand. I do. But doesn’t it somehow cheapen the whole experience if you’re hiding behind the person everyone else thinks you are?”
She looked away then, pulling her knees into her chest and picking at her chipped toenail polish. “There’s a lot I could lose,” she said. “A lot of people I could hurt.”
Or a single person, I thought bitterly. Andrew. Her boyfriend. In moments like these I couldn’t help but wonder ifthe temporary thing in Grace’s life was me.
I shake my head, trying to somehow get rid of all thoughts of Grace. Saul was right about dating in the closet, and this is what I get for thinking I might somehow be different.
Ruth, Saul’s younger sister, reaches over my shoulder and grabs my drink, knocking the rest of it back in a single gulp. She cringes immediately, coughing into the crook of her elbow. “Um, okay, that was way more than Coke.”
“Ruthie! That was mine,” I tell her. “I earned that little bit of whiskey.”
She sits down next to me, tying her short waitress apron around her waist. “And how do you figure that?” she asks drily.
Ruth has the kind of outlook I would kill for. To her, this life here in Eulogy is temporary. A pit stop on her way to bigger and better things. And she’s totally unapologetic about it.
“I paid for it in heartbreak,” I tell her, eyeing the now empty glass.
“Hey, she might be back next summer,” offers Ruth. “But probably not.”
Saul swats her arm with a rag. The list of things Saul and Ruth have in common is short. Other than being related, they’re both gay, Cajun, and white. That’s pretty much it.
She shrugs. “I’m trying to be realistic.”
And if Ruthie is anything, she is realistic.
I almost smile. Ruth and I have known each other almost our whole lives, because Eulogy is only so big, butwe didn’t become friends until the end of freshman year. Saul had just come out to his whole family, and no one took it well. And then Ruth came out, too. I remember not seeing either of them at school for a while, like they had something the rest of us could catch. Now I know they’d been sent to Florida for a few weeks to live with their grandparents and attend their church’s revival.
It wasn’t like that for me. When I came out, it was a blip. The type of news that flashes across the bottom ticker of the screen and then is quickly forgotten. Hattie shrugged and said, “Well, that explains a lot.” And Dad thought about it for a few minutes before adding, “Nothing wrong with that.” My mom, though... she still thinks this is a phase.
Eulogy isn’t all potholes and trailer parks. There are chunks of this place that passersby drive through that make them think they could live here and that small-town life can be quaint and cozy. That’s the part of town Saul and Ruth come from, and since Eulogy only has one high school, there are no walls to keep kids like them from kids like me, even though their mom would love that.
When Saul and Ruth came back from Florida, Hattie sought them out. Growing up, I was never invited to birthday parties or ever really had a best friend outside of Hattie or Freddie. Most of my social interactions were a result of being the little-sister tagalong. So it only makes sense that Ruth and Saul are in my life because Hattie put them there. Sometimes when she seems so thoughtless, I remind myself of all the times she made room for me in her life.
Tommy sticks his head out the kitchen door. He’s a short black guy with a bald, shiny scalp. “Let’s move it!”
Saul winks at me, and I follow him to the back.
After our staff meeting, we all go about our business for the afternoon and on into the evening. Ruthie and Hattie tend to their sections while Saul works the bar, which isn’t entirely legal since he’s not twenty-one, but that’s never seemed to be an issue.
I bus table after table all night. I love the routine, and only wish it kept my mind busier. Between every trip to the kitchen I find myself checking my phone, hoping for a message from Grace. This morning, after falling asleep alongside Hattie, I woke to a picture from her. It was a dark, blurry photo of theNOW LEAVING EULOGY! DON’T BE A STRANGER!sign. I texted her back a frowning emoji but was unsure what else to say. I didn’t want to look too needy, even though I very much felt that way.
She lives only an hour and a half away, but that’s one and a half impossible hours for a pair of high school girls without cars.
