The problem is that I’ve been in this space so long I don’t know if I can get out of it. Loneliness is treacherous; it trains you to its needs and makes you think that you crave it. Ana was the first one to start kicking at my walls, knocking out a block here and there, but with Rafe, they could all come tumbling, leaving me vulnerable. Deep down, I’m still the girl who thrilled at that chaste garden kiss before the crushing disappointment came, but there’s a lot to learn about a man who’s going back to Vancouver in weeks.
He leans back and blinks. “It smells pretty,” he says slowly. “Like a spring day where you wake up energized after a long winter. Fresh.”
I manage to find my voice and pull my arm back. The imprint of his hand sits heavy on my skin. “Thanks.”
We keep going with the conversation, but the vibe has shifted to one that could be leading us to where we broke off so many years ago. When we leave, the weather is warmer than it has been in the last few weeks and still carries its post-rain crispness. “I’d like to walk for a bit,” I say, hoping to keep the spell over us.
He falls into step beside me, and we go up Spadina, me pointing out places I like. Then Rafe stops in front of a sign. “Oh my God,” he says. “They’re playingBig Trouble in Little China. We saw that in the rep theater, and we were the only people there.”
I laugh. “We tried sitting in every row to figure out which was the best, because we could.”
“One row up from dead center. Sitting in the front row nearly broke my neck.”
I read the rest of the poster. “Hey, it starts in twenty minutes.”
We immediately head over to the theater, a small screening room at the university, and get tickets from the apathetic seller.
“Popcorn?” asks Rafe.
I nod and we buy a huge and surprisingly fresh bag that I sniff with delight. Hot popcorn has a lovely toasted smell from the sugars heating, and the coconut oil lends it a delicious lushness. I dip my hand in at the same time as Rafe, and we both pull back.
“Sorry,” we say.
The next time it happens, he only smiles at me and doesn’t move his hand. Nor do I.
The room itself is a little strange since there are no chairs. Everyone sits on big blocks placed like an experimental amphitheater around the screen. A few have brought half chairs with built-in backrests. The lights dim soon after we take our seats on the last block, one with enough space for two people to sit beside each other. There are no trailers and the movie starts right away.
“What if it doesn’t hold up?” whispers Rafe as Egg Shen appears on the screen. “I haven’t seen it in fifteen years.”
I fold my legs to sit cross-legged. “Then we’ve blown a couple hours and twenty bucks, but on the plus side, we got popcorn.”
“True.” He settles back.
Rafe holds the popcorn between us, the way he always did after the time I got scared by the vampires during30 Days of Nightand tossed the bag so far in the air that it rained popcorn over the surrounding seats. Sitting next to him in the dark transports me back, and I close my eyes for a second to let myself wonder what if. What if I had stayed. What if I had called him. What if, what if.
What if we can pick up where we left off? What if I can have him back like nothing happened?
It’s almost one in the morning when we leave the theater, but we’re buzzed. “That was incredible,” he says.
“I’d forgotten how good it was.” I feel giddy. “You know there’s a bar named after the movie on Dundas?”
“No way.”
“Ana told me about it. Apparently, it’s got red lanterns and everything.”
We swap some favorite scenes, and it’s like being with Rafe again, my old friend. I gaze at his mouth, wondering if that’s all we’ll be but knowing for certain I want more.
The walk home is relaxed, as if Wang Chi has kicked the ass end of our estrangement along with the bad guys, and Rafe lingers at my door. “That was fun,” he says.
I nod, but I need to ask something before we get too deep. Eric’s words from the other day have been gnawing at me.I don’t know how you think any man could put up with it, not knowing if your own wife is using it to control you.I have to know. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Are you scared I’ll use my moli on you?”
He shook his head. “Never.”
“That’s certain.”
