I exchange worried looks with Anya and Mari.
The guard opens the swinging metal door with hislarge ring of keys and grabs each of the guys, throwing them out of the holding cell and toward the front to process their payment.
Wes casts a final look in my direction as he leaves. There’s no way Anya, Mari, and I can afford to pony up that kind of cash to buy our way out of here. Wes knows that. We’ll have to stay here through the night, or maybe even through the entire summer, because there is no way any of us are going to call our parents and attempt to explain what just happened on the street while asking for more than a thousand dollars apiece.
The boys stand at the desk, hands tucked in pockets, as Freddy bails them out, signing his very expensive bill with a flourish before throwing the pen down. I watch as the pen ricochets off the wood and onto the concrete floor before rolling toward us. And then I watch as Wes walks away, leaving my friends and me in a jail cell, in a foreign country, alone.
CHAPTER 38
You can hear a pindrop in the holding cell once Wes and his friends leave. We no longer have them as a buffer; it is just us. And boy, is it awkward. Things were more organic when we were watching the fight. Us against them. But now there is no way to ignore the silence and space between us. We are literally trapped into confronting what happened.
I know the floor is mine to say what I need to say. To apologize. Especially after how horribly I have acted. I take a deep breath, channeling the courage to admit that I was wrong. “I’m really,reallysorry, you guys.” I look up from my hands to meet their eyes. “I don’t think I have the words to tell you both how sorry I am. For everything.”
“We’re sorry too, Soraya,” Mari says.
“We are,” Anya adds.
“It’s just that I feel like I have some explaining to do. A lot of explaining.” I swallow. I’d almost rather be back on the street, waiting to confront Wes. “The truth is, I’m super bummed you two are both leaving. That I’m being left behind. That all my big dreams of going away to aprestigious school fell apart. I know it doesn’t make sense, and it’s so embarrassing for me to even say it out loud, but Wes was kind of the only thing I had going for myself. With you both leaving, and me stuck, at least Wes and I would be together at college, or so I thought. It made me feel not so alone. And when his attention was on me, it felt so good. I told myself that because I did everything I could all year long to be the perfect girl for him, it just had to work out. So I cast literally everything else aside to make sure it did.” I pause and take a breath. “But it doesn’t mean that it was right. And I can’t find my happiness in a guy. No matter how hard I try to will something into happening, sometimes things are out of my control. I do realize that now.”
“I wish you would have talked to us about all this, Sora. That is a lot to keep to yourself. We never wanted to make you feel like you had to hide things from us,” Mari says. “It’s just that we hated the way he took you for granted, and we didn’t understand why you couldn’t see how much better you deserved. But we would support you through anything, you know that, right?”
“I do. I never should have hidden everything that was going on. I never should have been sneaking around,” I say. “I think I was just so unhappy with myself that hiding it was a way I didn’t have to admit it. Plus, I haven’t exactly been open with how much I’m struggling with what comes next. It’s almost like life is happening to everyone else, they’re all moving forward, and I’m left behind. Forgotten.”
“Sora, you have so many options. You can transfer. You can come visit us. We’ll talk every day. You might even love it there at Armstrong. We would never forget about you or leave you behind. You say you’re upset because you want this big world, but you don’t realize, youdohave that. It’s all still a blank canvas in front of you,” Anya says.
“Nico said that too. I need to do better at reframing my thinking, I guess. It was just hard when I felt like I was only ever making bad decisions and being judged for it. Like I was always on the defense, like I had to dig my heels in just to prove I wasn’t an idiot.”
“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t be open with us. I think that’s my fault—I could maybe deliver my words in a softer way,” Anya says.
“You think?” I laugh, and it’s more of a release that takes all the tension in my body out with it.
“It’s hard for me to find my warm-and-fuzzy, especially when it comes to Wes.” Anya smiles. “But I will try. I want us to be able to tell each other everything.”
“Well, I don’t think you need to worry about that anymore,” I add with a tiny chuckle.
“Polizia!” Anya calls. “Il bagno, per favore.” She stands up. “I’m sorry—I don’t mean to leave right in the middle of this. But you know I love you, Soraya. More than anything. I’ll try harder to show it.”
“I appreciate that,” I say, as the guard comes to unlock the door.
When Anya is gone, I turn to Mari, because I have aspecific apology for her. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, Mari. If you felt like I haven’t been present the way you were hoping I’d be.”
“It’s not that,” Mari says. “I was only upset because I was so excited to make memories together, the three of us, and it seemed like that wasn’t a priority to you, but I get that there was a lot more going on. I’m sorry for saying you couldn’t talk about Wes—that this needed to be a Wes-free vacation. I want you to be able to come to me with your feelings, Sora, because I really do want to know them.”
“It’s really okay. I would have been tired of me too. Ihavebeen excited to make memories with you and Anya, but I guess I was overambitious, and I did a terrible job showing it. I promise to be fully present from now on.” I wrap Mari in a hug.
“No touch!” one of the guards yells as he walks Anya back. Mari and I spring apart, not well versed on prison rules.
Anya sits back down on the bench in the holding cell. “You know, Sora, you aren’t the only one who is scared for the future. I am too. I don’t know anyone up in Boston. I don’t want to leave my mom. I don’t want to leave you guys. No one could ever compare.”
“I’m scared, too.” Mari nods. “I think that’s just what this part of life is for—being scared and doing it anyway.”
“Does any of this even matter?” I laugh, gesturing at our surroundings. “Will we be jailed for life?”
“Nah. We’ll be out of here soon.” Anya slumps against the wall, all smug.
“What? How do you know?” Mari perks up.
“Let’s just say that I called in a knight in shining armor to come save us.”
