Liza pressed her lips together, still reading. “You were quite ambitious at twelve, Ros. Learning to swim, witnessing a scandal, running away? Good heavens, even Prinny could not do all this by himself in three weeks, and he certainly stays busy.”
I groaned. “Don’t say that.”
She folded the page and handed it back. Then she let out a breath through her nose and forced a smile. “Ros, it is completely normal to feel nervous before your wedding. But you must know that finishing this list has no bearing on your happiness. You are brilliant and beautiful and already have far more life experience than most women our age.”
We faced each other in silent argument. “Will you help me?” I asked again.
She looked truly pained. “I want to. You know I would. But he’s—” She looked over her shoulder. “I promised my aunt I would keep Charlie out of trouble. We’re losing him, Ros. We’re all terrified that if he runs off again, he won’t return. And if I follow you, I cannot save him.”
I sighed, and my shoulders hunched. How could I fault Liza for such loyalty to her family? Compassion for my friend’s heavy burden warred with the pain I felt from her rejection. I needed her.
I looked across the room at Mr. Winston, that frustrating man hidden behind his newspaper.
But so did he.
I flipped the paper square between my fingers. Could I do it alone? Could I fight my instinct to shrink under the sheer weight of my future and face my fears? Those hills that felt like mountains too high to climb. Why, why had I let myself dream?
“The point is not askingwhy,” Aunt Alice had said. “Askwhat. What inspires you? What calls to you? What, when you look ahead, will you regret not doing? Those are the things to put on your list. Those are the things that will make you feel whole.”
Aunt Alice had understood. She had known this same gnawing feeling, but she’d done something about it. And she’d done it alone.
With or without Liza, I had to try. I took a step back and moved toward the door. “I wish things were different, but I understand. And I’ll visit you when I can.”
I found the hall empty, so I opened the door to the servants’ stair to make my escape the same way I’d arrived.
“Ros,” Liza said, following me. “Don’t do anything rash. Perhaps I should call for some smelling salts.”
When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I looked up at her. Liza had given me the confidence I needed, just not in the way I’d expected. I did not need anyone to affirm my list or hold my hand through it. Aunt Alice had already done that for me. Now, alone or not, I had work to do.
“I am not ill, Liza. Give them to your cousin. At present, he needs them more than I.”
ChapterFour
The best place to start was at the beginning.
I hadn’t written the list in any specific order, though judging by what I’d listed first—learning how to swim—I’d chosen the most embarrassing activity first.
Perhaps going at it alone was for the best. No one would see me shaking like a pair of dice.
I’d gone over my plan a thousand times since leaving Liza. I’d hardly slept. The only way I could escape Mama’s prying eyes and ever-growing list of appointments was to slip out of doors before she—and the sun—rose.
I’d decided on the pond located almost exactly between my father’s estate and Ivy Manor. It was shaded by a grove of trees that would hide me well enough.
I would return before Mama even awoke, and with one less number on my list.
“Do you not think it too early for a walk?” Molly asked for the third time through thinly veiled suspicion. But if I confided this to Molly, she’d have to warn Mama, and that would put an end to my list before it even began.
“The lady of the house is the first to rise. As Mama says, I must practice.” I clasped my trembling hands tightly together.
I can do this. Swimming will be fun and not at all scary, and if I hate it, I never have to do it again.
What would Aunt Alice say if she read my list? After her wedding day, we’d not talked further on the subject. It was as if she’d shared a massive secret with me, and then both of us had pretended neither knew. Her own list had been rather daring and fun. Among her numbers, she’d chosen climbing to the top of a tree, dancing the waltz, and catching a fish. If she could do all that, certainly I could manage a quick swim.
After helping me dress in a brown muslin, Molly handed me gloves (which I’d have to remove at the pond) and my hat (which I debated keeping on, since I needed to keep my complexion for the wedding).
She narrowed her eyes. “And you are sure you’d like your pelisse?”
“I woke up with a chill.” And I’d need something to cover up my wet dress.
