“Why not?”
“Perfection means having an expected outcome. Perfect lines, perfect colors, perfect brushstrokes. But perfection is unachievable. Indeed, it is the attempt, the strokes we did not mean to make, that leave us with an unexpected beauty.”
His words took hold of me, and as I lay there, facing him, I studied the bruise still lightly framing his eye and cheekbone and the cut almost completely healed on his lip. He, Charles Winston, was entirely unexpected. How did he understand exactly how I saw life? How Iwantedto see it. Not just how Society told me to.
I wanted to tell him I understood his meaning. That, yes, I wanted a messy, imperfect life, free of pretense and parties and forced smiles. But instead, I said, “‘Perfection is unachievable,’ says the man who refuses to go home for fear he will fail.” I rolled on my back and muttered, “Hypocrite.”
He laughed. “Is that how you speak to the man who saved your life? If Henry were here, you’d see why his shoes are too big to fill.”
“If Henry were here, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’d be talking tohim.”
Charlie laughed heartily, the sound echoing through the grove, and I grinned.
“Never truer words spoken,” he said with reverence, and he closed his eyes again.
I followed suit, letting the sunlight warm my face as my breaths evened. My limbs settled on the blanket like stones, grounding me.
“I don’t know why I told you all that.” Charlie’s voice broke our silence. “My family—we seldom speak of Henry. It feels ... strange. Talking about him gone. And it’s been well over a year.” His eyes were closed, but his face was anything but relaxed. “Talking of him makes me miss him more.”
If I had to live without Benjamin and be asked to fill his shoes, I’d want to hit something every day too. Perhaps Charlie’s boxing wasn’t so different than my list. “I cannot imagine. But I am glad you told me.”
“Why?”
“Because now I know why you’ve acted so poorly. And I shall remind you the next time you think of damaging your family name that, although Henry is gone, your legacy reflects his name too. I am certain if he were here, he’d thump you over the head.”
“He’d have landed me a facer to rival yours.” He peeked at me and imitated a boxing motion. “He loved the sport.”
“I’d like to see that,” I grinned, returning my face to the sun.
He chuckled. “The sunshine is loosening your tongue too.”
True. But it felt so marvelously good. My aches seemed to be healing in the light.
Charlie turned once more on his side. “Can I ask you something? While our tongues are loose.”
My senses tingled with the awareness of how near we lay. I could see every detail of his smooth jawline, every freckle, every scar. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to reach out and take his hand, to feel the warmth of his fingers entwined with mine.
I swallowed and shook away the thought. “We should rest.” Talking to Charlie made me feel too free. He spoke as though he could see right into me, like he knew the thoughts I’d never considered sharing. As inviting as his conversation was, I was not free. My future was fast approaching, and I preferred those thoughts staying well below the surface.
But he persisted. “What will you do if, after all your efforts, you still feel as you do now?”
Our eyes met, and he watched me carefully. Like he was waiting for me to admit to some great secret revelation. But I had nothing. I had no other plan. I did not need one.
Did I?
Charlie pursed his lips, then laid back. “You’re a hypocrite, too, then.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“If nothing changes, if you still feel unsteady about marrying the duke, but you marry him anyway, then what was the point? You chide me for not making changes in my life, while you are just as unwilling.”
“I have a duty.”
His eyes pierced into mine, like he needed me to hear him. “No.Ihave a duty. You have a choice. And if you feel this unsettled, perhaps you ought to reconsider what you want for your life.”
