I’m surprised, but not at that information. I expected I would be a show pick that first night—Tragic Backstory Becca. I’m surprised he’s telling me this when he clearly doesn’t have to. I’m about to just tell him that I already guessed that, no worries, but from his expression, I can see there’s a little more to it.That pit of dread forms all over again—it just lives there now, I think.
“How many ceremonies?” I ask.
He pauses. “Up until after our first date.”
The pit widens. “So, most of them,” I say, and he winces.
“Yeah. But I had such a great time on our date, and I realized you were someone really incredible who I’d overlooked.” He says this all hurriedly. “And I’m glad they kept you for so long, because I really have enjoyed our time together. I think you’re an amazing woman.”
“I . . . uh, thank you.” I should be responding more, but there’s that knife of betrayal again, slicing me all the way through.
Nate knew. He knew the whole time. And yeah, we talked about how confident I was that the producers would keep me in that first tiara ceremony, but it never came up again after that. It’s not like I expected him to spill all the behind-the-scenes secrets of the show—he’s working for them, after all—but that night on the balcony . . .
That night, I opened my heart to him. I told him truths I had never told anyone before.Then I asked him about Preston and me, if he thought we would be a good fit. Sure, I didn’t ask him outright if Preston had ever once picked me, but if he really cared about me, wouldn’t he feel that I deserved to know that the guy I was “dating” wasn’t into me at all? I can see not telling me if he was worried he was going to get caught and lose his job, but that night—
My heart pounds.That night there were cameras. Probably he didn’t tell me because he knew they were there. And he knew full well he was getting the footage that would make him the star producer.The golden boy.
My whole body goes too cold and then too hot, one right after the other.
I’d been believing more and more that I was wrong about all that. But—
“I’m so sorry, Becca,” Preston says, putting his hand over mine. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I didn’t want there to be this lie between us, you know? You deserve the truth.”
I let out a shaky breath. Do I? No one else seems to think so.
“It’s okay,” I say, forcing the words out past the massive lump in my throat. “I get it, you know? It’s hard to feel a connection with so many people at once, and there were so many girls, and I wasn’t the most assertive, and . . . I get it. Really.”
“Okay, good.” He lets out a relieved breath. “I’ve really appreciated you opening up with me about everything, and it felt like you should have the truth in return.”
One would think. But to him, I say, “I’m really grateful that you told me.That you were so honest.That means a lot to me.”
More than he could possibly know.
Why can’t I be in love withhim? Why do I always put my trust in the wrong people?
You’re fucking stupid, Becca. You always were. It’s Rob’s words, but it’s not just his voice—it’s mine, too, like they’re becoming one again, the way they used to.
“That’s good to hear,” he says.There’s another long pause, in which I’m just playing back that conversation with Nate on the balcony, my body numb. I’m so lost in that, I don’t notice Preston leaning over to kiss me again until his lips are inches away, his body shifting like he’s about to get on top of mine.
This time I pull away, so quickly I almost fall off the bed. “I don’t—sorry, but I don’t, um . . .”
He sits back. “Did I make you uncomfortable?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just . . . I know we’re here in the DallianceTower, but I don’t want to have sex tonight. I’m not ready for that. I’m just not there.”
“Oh. Yeah, okay.”There’s a flicker of irritation in his face, but then it’s gone so suddenly I think I might have imagined it. Especially because he so quickly looks so earnest. “That’s totally okay with me. So what do you want to do?”
Cry into my pillow. Go to sleep and turn off my brain for even a few hours.
“I don’t know. Maybe just talk some more?”
“Sure,” he says.
And we do. We talk about topics we’ve already more or less covered before—his childhood. My kids. His nieces and nephews. His favorite basketball team.The ex-girlfriend who introduced him to sushi.
Soon it feels like we’re both reaching for pretty much anything to say, and it’s not just because my mind is still so stuck on this latest hurt.
There is honestly nothing there between Preston and me, and after one particularly painful stretch of silence, I feel like I need to just come out and say it. No need for either of us to keep pretending—and he deserves honesty, too, at least as much as I can give him.
“Preston. You know this—” I gesture back and forth between us “—isn’t happening, right? Like, it’s just not—”
He gives me a half-smile. “Yeah, I know.”Then he lifts my hand and gives me a gentle kiss on the back of it that feels like a farewell. “Should we turn in early?”
“That sounds great,” I say with a smile back. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I’m so glad that it appears I didn’t.That despite whatever interest he developed, he sees that we aren’t a good fit at all.
I don’t even bother to change out of my cocktail dress. I just get under the covers and we turn the light out and almost instantly, he’s fast asleep.
It takes a long time before I join him.
