“Becca, honey,” Paula says. “We can tell something’s wrong.”
What isn’t?I want to say.
“You’re not acting like yourself,” she continues. “I know this situation must be difficult.They always say that in the interviews, you know. ‘It’s so much harder than I thought it would be,’ that sort of thing. Is it getting to be too much for you?”
“It’s a lot,” I admit. “We don’t get a lot of sleep”—especially lately—“and there’s all the travel, and, you know, a lot of the girls don’t get along, and . . .”
What can I really say? I can’t talk about Nate. And looking at their concerned expressions now is only making the guilt worse about what I will eventually have to tell them about Rob.
How could I have done this to them?
I’m picking at my cuticles, and Paula and Kurt exchange another glance.
“Is it that Preston fellow?” Kurt asks gruffly. “I don’t like that he’s seeing all these other women. You think he could just make up his mind and not have a whole goddamn harem—”
“That’s the concept of the show.” Paula rolls her eyes, and I can tell they’ve had this discussion before. “And it’s not a harem, it’s a journey to find love.”
“How many women does it take? Especially when he’s got our Becca here. Idiot shouldn’t need the rest of them.”
“Well, obviously, but he’s got to at leastpretendwith the others.” Paula gives me an encouraging smile.
I appreciate the sentiment, but it only makes me feel worse.
“Honey,” Paula says, the smile dropping. “You can talk to us about anything, you know? We love you and we’re here for you.”
My throat squeezes tight, the pressure burning behind my eyes. My mouth works, but nothing comes out. I’m not sure what even can.
“Is it about your feelings for Preston?” Paula asks. “I know these things can become intense very quickly. And Becca, we know you’re a strong woman who has been through so much, but you can still be overwhelmed by all this. It’s okay to feel scared.”
Those words feel so good to hear, even though she doesn’t know the real context.Tears leak out onto my cheeks, but it doesn’t lessen the pressure that’s building and building. “I am,” I say quietly.
I notice through a watery haze that I’ve picked the cuticle on my thumb too far—there’s a spot of blood welling up, though I don’t feel the pain.
“Oh, honey,” Paula says. “We could tell. Not that I think it’s obvious to anyone else,” she hastens to add. “But we know you.”
They don’t, though. Not fully. Because I’ve never let them. Because I could never let them really know Rob.
Will they think I’m just telling horrible lies about their son?
Or maybe they’ll believe me, and it’s like I’m taking the son they loved away from them all over again.
Either way, my stupid mistake will gut the only people who ever really loved me.
“Becca.” Paula moves to sit next to me on the bed and puts her arm around me. “Is this because you have strong feelings for Preston and you’re worried you won’t get to be with him in the end?”
Those shards of glass are back in my lungs.
I have feelings for you. Strong feelings, I told Nate.All the strong feelings.
He said the same thing back, word for word.
“He’d be a damn fool not to—” Kurt starts, but cuts off at Paula shaking her head.
“I can’t imagine how hard it must be to not know where you stand with him or where he is with the other women,” she says.
“It’s not that.” I scrub at my cheeks. “It’s not Preston.” It should be, I suppose, if I was here for the right goddamn reasons. If I could actually make myself forget about Nate long enough to give Preston two thoughts.
“Maybe you should come home,” Kurt says.
