Twenty-five
Becca
As if I don’t have enough painful thoughts about Nate circling through my head every moment of the day, now I’ve got last night’s conversation outside of my hotel room added to that loop.
After the days of him avoiding me, it was a shock to see him show up at my door. An even greater shock when he started apologizing, telling me again that he didn’t know about the cameras but should have.
It was like he’d read my mind about me wanting to hear this, wanting to believe it this time. Probably this was nudged along somehow byThea, but he certainly didn’t have to do anything just because she wants us together.Which, I remember vividly thinking,means that maybehestill wants us together.
But before I could even process whether this all could be true, he asked so quickly about Preston. Like he couldn’t wait to change topics away from the possibility ofus.
My heart deflated so quickly it hurt. But if he was telling the truth about all of this, I get how my mistrust of him and my staying on the show could have hurt him so badly that he just wants to pretend it was never a thing at all.
And the truth is, I miss him so much that if he wants to just go back to being friends, it would be so much better than having nothing at all. So I clung to that like a life raft, shoving myself back into the place we were before, asking him about Preston.
He looked like I slapped him. Hurt and angry, like he just realized he barely knew me at all.
Did you seriously just ask me that?
I did, and I wish I could take every word back.
I can’t, though, and given the way he stormed off, I doubt he wants me to try. And I can’t stop wondering if I should anyway, at least by apologizing again, or if I’ll just hurt him more no matter what I do. I also can’t stop wondering what would have happened if he’d answered the question the way I’d been holding the tiny last shred of hope that he would—
You shouldn’t be with Preston. You should be with me.
But even if that hurt means he actually did have real feelings for me at some point, it doesn’t mean he wants that anymore. And it also doesn’tnecessarilymean he wasn’t still lying about knowing about the cameras.Then again, he seems so sincere, and it’sNate, and could I really have been so wrong about Nate? Maybe I wasn’t, maybe—
I’m going in circles, like I’m caught in a roundabout with no exits.
I wish so badly I could talk to someone else about all of this. Someone who is not that stupid journal and can tell me what the hell I should do.
It’s a special kind of torture that this morning I’m getting some private time with my family before they’re taken to the airport, and I can’t tell them about any of it. We’re all in Paula and Kurt’s room together, and for one thing, I’m not about to unload everything on them with my daughters right there. Also, I have learned my lesson about trusting that I’m not being recorded.
Rosie is coloring quietly (for now, at least), andThea keeps eyeing me like she’s trying to read something from my face. I ask her what’s wrong and she deflects, at least until Paula is busy packing up her suitcase and Kurt has stepped out into the hallway.
“Did Nate talk to you?” she says.
I hold in a sigh. Yep, I guessed she had something to do with that. “He did. He came by and apologized. It was very nice of him.”
Thea looks at me expectantly. “So? Are you going to date him?”
God, I hate having to hurt her too, on top of everything else. “I don’t think that’s going to work out,Thea. I’m sorry.”
She juts out her chin and is about to say something else when Kurt walks back in the room.There’s awkward silence from all of us, and I’m trying to think of something fun and light to talk about or do, when Paula and Kurt exchange a look.
“So I’m thinking, girls,” Paula says, both out loud and in sign, “that maybe we can have one of those nice producers take you to get a few of those cinnamon buns they had downstairs?”
“I just saw one of the ladies in the hallway,” Kurt adds, “and they said they have a new batch. I think I can smell them from here!”
Subtle, guys, I want to say. But it’s not like I don’t want some time alone with them.
Thea knows she’s being had, but I’ve never known either of my kids to say no to cinnamon rolls for any reason, and this is no exception.Though she does give me a hard look as Kurt ushers her and a cheering Rosie out the door.
I’m not entirely sure if she’s feeling disappointed by me or the situation in general, both of which are fair. She’s a kid, though, and a resilient one. We’ll talk about it more and I’ll explain the best I can and ultimately she’ll get over it all and move on.
I don’t know if I ever will.
Almost immediately when the door closes, Paula and Kurt sit down on the second double bed across from me. For two such very different people, their expressions of concern are weirdly identical.
