Twenty-one
Nate
Iwake up to pounding on my door and in my head, which aches like a hangover, even though I haven’t had anything to drink. I didn’t get much sleep—couldn’tsleep after Becca left, just kept playing that whole clusterfuck over and over again in my mind, trying to figure out what I could have done better.
I could have done the right thing originally, told Becca that it’s never safe to assume we’re not on camera at an official event, maybe come up with some way to see her privately later but not let her tell me all that stuff there. I was selfish; I wanted to know for my own reasons. Because I’m in love with her.
I’m in love with her. And I fucked it all up.
Last night, though, there’s nothing I could have said. Becca had her mind made up about me from the moment Olivia opened her mouth.
It’s my own fault, but that only makes it hurt more.
The pounding resumes on my door. “Hang on!” I shout. I pull on my jeans and answer the door, for a second time, without a shirt on.
It’s Darlene—the producer Olivia said got a bonus last night. “Get up,” she says. “Becca’s going to talk to Preston and you need to be there to interview her after.”
“Yeah, okay,” I say, and Darlene stalks away.The door closes.
This makes sense, really. Becca won’t just leave. She’ll need to talk to Preston, tell him it’s not working out, she’s not feeling it, whatever she’s going to say. I should be glad for that, but all I can think is how hard it’s going to be not to see her every day.
How much it’s going to hurt if she refuses my calls when she gets home, if she’s justdonewith me.
Not that I could blame her. It was my job to manipulate her. I didn’t set her up to tell the cameras about Rob, but I’m still culpable in the whole mess. I was trying to protect her. I told her I’d watch her back, and I failed her, because you can’t protect someone and work for the enemy at the same time.
MaybeIshould quit. What does it matter if Levi suspects I’m leaving because of Becca? I’d be gone, and maybe I could convince Becca to see me when we’re both back in LA. Maybe my apologies would have more weight if she knew for sure I wasn’t still trying to protect my job.
I pull a clean t-shirt out of my suitcase and put it on. I need a shower, but I’ll probably get time after the interview. I imagine the rest of the crew is going to slink back to their rooms to nurse their actual hangovers.
I’ll do Becca’s exit interview and then tell Levi I’m out.Technically I have a contract, but they can’t enforce it. It would be better for my resume if I finished the season, but Becca is worth it.
Even if she never gives me another chance, I don’t want to face being here without her.
I throw on my shoes and head out to find Darlene and the others.They’re setting up a two-seat couch in one of the hotel rooms with portable lights and getting the cameras ready. Neither Becca nor Preston are here yet. I don’t see Levi anywhere. I wonder if he’s still in bed.
“Here,” Darlene says, giving me a headset. “We don’t want to crowd them while they talk, but you can listen in so you know what to ask in her interview.”
I step out into the hall in time to see Becca approaching with one of the other producers escorting her. She’s put together, wearing makeup and a pair of jeans with a cute shirt that falls off her shoulder. She looks beautiful as ever, but I almost don’t recognize her—I’ve never seen that expression on her face before, somewhere between suspicion and regret.
I stand against the wall as she passes, and she doesn’t acknowledge me. I wonder if the others think that’s strange—we’ve always been friendly before. But inside I hear Darlene coaching Becca about where to sit and which way to face, fitting her with her mic pack.
“Thank you,” Becca’s voice says over the headset.
I close my eyes.
Is this how it’s going to be now? We can’t even talk? I wonder if she’s going to let me interview her, or if she’ll request someone else and then go quietly home and never speak to me again. I wonder if last night meant anything to her, if she felt even a fraction of what I felt while we were making love, the connection and the depth and the sheer happiness.
I wish I knew what to say to make her look at me like that again, like someone she wants. But I know how hurt she is, and really, with her secret inevitably going to be revealed to the world, this isn’t about me.
I’m just being selfish again.
Footsteps approach, and I open my eyes to see Preston coming up the hallway with Levi at his side. Levi looks a little worse for wear, but he’s awake, at least. Darlene comes out and fits Preston with his mic pack, then sends him in and closes the door.
“Becca!” Preston says. “I heard you wanted to talk.”
“Yes.” Her voice is even, and if I didn’t know her so well, I’d never have been able to tell she was nervous. “Thank you for taking the time to see me.”
“Of course,” he says.
