Twenty
Becca
I’m standing in a bathroom that is rapidly filling up with steam from the shower, steam that is beading up my skin, but I’m frozen, through and through. Only minutes ago, every part of me was fire, searing and brilliant and flickering up to the sky, and now I’m ice, encased in shock and dread.
They recorded it all. Every word.
They recorded it all, and Nate . . . Nate . . .
The hotel door closes with that definitive snick and I’m backing up, feeling the tile on my bare feet, feeling the way my heels bump against the tub. I’m so cold and numb, and when I reach into the shower to turn it off, the hot water sprays across my skin like razor blades.
There’s a second of deafening silence.
They recorded it all, and they’re going to show it.
You’re so good with these girls.
They trust you.
I trusted him, and he—
I can’t even think the words, they feel so clumped together in my mind.
In my other arm, I’m still clutching my clothes tight against my naked body. I didn’t bother putting them back on. When I first got in here, I thought I wouldn’t need to—that he’d get rid of Olivia and we’d go back to . . . to . . .
I’m not sure how I’m moving at all now, but I am. I’m throwing open the bathroom door and I’m stepping out—
Nate’s there at the doorway and I barrel right into him.
“Becks,” he says, his eyes wide.
I make a noise like a wounded animal and shove past him.
He doesn’t try to stop me. “God, Becks, I’m so sorry.”
That nickname on his lips, the one I loved so much, the one he whispered in my ear, the one he moaned—it’s a stab in my gut now, twisting and twisting. “They know everything,” I manage. “They know everything. Everyone will know.They’ll hear me say—” I choke.
There’s no good ending to that. It’s too awful.
He cringes. “I should have known better. I should never have encouraged you to talk to me when—”
“Really? Is that what happened?” My thoughts are separating from each other, and they’re crystallizing into hideous shapes. “You should have known better? Are you sure you didn’t know that those cameras were there?” My voice doesn’t sound like me anymore—it’s sharp and cutting in a way I’ve never heard it.
I’m actually surprised it’s not shaking, because my whole body is.
Nate looks like he’s been slapped, and I immediately want to take it back. But—
You smile that pretty smile and you know exactly what to say.
He’s so very, very good at his job. I’ve thought that so many times before.
It didn’t seem to occur to Olivia for a second that Nate wasn’t aware of the footage, that he didn’t set it up himself. Because that’s what the producers here do.They get the drama.
“You think—” he starts, then swallows. “I didn’t know, Becks. I promise. I never would have said that if I thought they were there.” He runs his hands through his hair, that curly hair I just minutes ago had my fingers tangled in, that brushed against my cheek when he leaned close afterward. My stomach turns, because I want so desperately to believe him, but I’ve been so dumb before, over and over.
I’ve believed when I never should have, because I was so desperate to think I could have love.That I could be seen. And instead I disappeared even more. Instead, I discovered that love was this shimmering mirage I couldn’t reach.
And now, I believed again. I thought I was there in that oasis, that it actually existed for me.
