I’m wanting it more and more.
“Do you really think you can see yourself with Preston?” I ask.
“Yeah.”There’s a note of wistfulness in her voice. “I have to admit, nice guys aren’t usually my thing. But Preston . . .” She trails off. “I can really see a future with him.”
There it is.I can see a future with him.Tick a box off theChasing Prince CharmingBingo card.
But the thought doesn’t amuse me as much as it otherwise might. Because I’m picturing myself saying that about Nate.
Can I picture a future with him?
“How about you?” Jo peels back the lacy curtain and peeks her head out. “Have they gotten you to admit that you’re falling for him yet?”
My heart skips a beat until I realize she’s talking about Preston. “Ha. No. I’m, um . . . I’m not sure I’m there yet.” I regret the words the minute I say them. We’re not miked when we’re in our bedrooms at night, and I don’t think Jo’s the type to go running off to tell Preston (or any of the other girls) that I’m not as into him as I should be.
But I don’t know; if she’s really falling for him and wants less competition . . .
Ugh. I hate thinking that way. She’s my friend.This freaking show is making me paranoid about everything.
“Huh.” She eyes me for a moment, then lays back. “Well, probably you just need to spend more time with him.Those stupid bitches cost usbothour time. It would just really suck if Preston ends up with one of them and not someone he could really spend his life with, you know? He seems so sincere about all this.”
That guilt creeps in again. He does seem sincere. Probably I should be feeling worse at still being here when I know full well my attentions are elsewhere. But despite the conceit of the show, it’s hard to feel super terrible about exploring my own options. After all, he’s currently datingnineteenother girls, and he’s gone a hell of a lot further with some of them than I have with Nate.
Jo could be right; maybe I’m going home soon.
“Does your producer tell you that you and Preston seem made for each other?” I ask as casually as possible.
“Darlene?”
“Yeah.” It’s not like the producers don’t switch off interviews and handling of contestants (oh my god, don’t think of Nate handling the contestants), but Darlene is generally assigned to Jo like Nate is to me. “Nate’s said stuff like that, but probably they all do, right?”
“I mean, they want to give us hope,” Jo says. “Darlene’s said similar stuff.They’re all full of shit.Though obviously Preston and Iaremade for each other.” She gives a little laugh that has more than a trace of the old Jo irony, and that makes me laugh too.
“Obviously.” I pause. “I just wonder if Nate really thinks that. Like, if he actually thinks Preston and I would be a good match—”
“Why do you care what your producer thinks?” Jo asks.
I try not to cringe. “I don’t know. I just feel like he’s gotten to know me pretty well, and he probably knows Preston pretty well, too. I think his opinion has some weight to it.”
Jo eyes me for a moment, like maybe she suspects something, and I fight to keep from squirming. What if she doesn’t buy it? Nate wouldn’t really lose his job just because word got around that one of the contestants had a big, fat crush on him, would he?
“That makes sense,” she says with a shrug, and I think maybe she doesn’t suspect anything, after all.
A few minutes later, I hear her snoring away, and I stare at the journal in front of me. I think of how it feels to talk to Nate, to laugh with him. How much I wish I could tell him everything about me, and how much I’m afraid to. How much I wish I could feel his lips against mine, his hands in my hair, his sweaty body pressed against me. How it would feel to lie in his arms afterward. Maybe even wake up like that.
I start writing. I’m not a total idiot, despite what Rob always said—I don’t use Nate’s name or any specifics.The producer who gave us these journals assured us they were for our private thoughts and wouldn’t be used by the show, but I’m not about to bet Nate’s job on that. I call him “P” and just talk feelings. Fantasies. Hopes I’m afraid to have. Fears I’m not sure I can ever overcome, but want to.
It may all be a fairy tale, but if I’m going to let myself indulge those, this seems like the time to do it.
